My seva during Amma's summer tour

[Guest guest]

Dear List members,

Our friend and sister Chandrika thought that the list members

might like to see this description of my seva this summer. I

hope no offense is caused by any of the stuff below.

 

Before the summer 2001 tour, Daya from the San Ramon ashram told me

that I had been recommended for some seva. I was secretly

delighted, thinking that perhaps it was lap seva or

translation, something glamorous, that involved being close to Amma.

Daya then said that I was supposed to clean the men's toilets,

and generously offered to let me choose between the

flush toilets and the pit toilets near the dining area!

I did do the cleaning, with bleach and everything!

 

If you remember, last November someone from the San Ramon

ashram asked Amma about her opinions regarding how women

were regarded at the Indian ashram.

Well, Amma announced at that time that I was afraid of women.

I hadn't told her I was, but I confessed it was true.

 

She took up the argument

once again this summer, and accused me of considering women

as inferior. Again, I admitted that sometimes I did entertain

such opinions. 'How could you think that, seeing that a

woman gave you birth?' she scolded me. 'Well, that is how

all this trouble started, isn't it?' I muttered

resentfully.

 

Amma asked me to wear a sari and go and sing

on stage. I did not want to, and told her that there was

no sari to wear. Some busybody then piped up that

there were saris in the store. I told Amma,

'Surely you don't want me to buy a sari just for this!' and

quickly went onto the stage to sing. There was no shortage of

busybodies that day -- another person quickly brought

a sari from the store, and Amma called me back from the stage.

 

By now, I figured that I should at least hide my embarrassment,

and let Amma and some women drape the sari on me. I even

co-operated, and posed with the sari around my head. Amma

asked me, 'Why are you so embarrassed? Women wear pants all

the time. It's ironical that you men (she indicated some of

us) think women are inferior, but end up worshiping Devi!'

(She pronounced 'pants' 'Faant', in a countrified way,

which I found amusing.) Janani was busy videotaping, and

I called to her to not put all this on some world tour

cassette. Amma then asked me to wear the sari

while singing, and I told her that I really didn't want to.

She said OK. So I took off the sari, and sang Kannante Kaalocha.

 

I wondered whether I had acquired some horrible karma by

not obeying Amma fully, and wished I had another chance

to wear the damn sari and sing. I didn't want to take another

birth as a woman, or as anything at all, for that matter.

Amma sensed that I was worried, so she told someone 'He

thinks I asked him to sing wearing the sari, but I didn't really.'

 

The next day I was sitting quietly, and Br. Dayamrita asked

me why I was not near Amma and joking with her. When I told him that I

wasn't in the mood, he told me that my given name, Nandakumar,

is not just a name for Krishna, and it meant the boy

who delights people (Nandakam means delight).

He indicated that it was my *job* to amuse, and suggested that

I dress up as Amma. I readily agreed, and wearing one of

those long dresses and with a white scarf like Amma's around my head

and lower face, I approached Amma with no-one noticing

anything amiss. There, I pretended to be Amma, and imitated

her saying 'Sivane Sivane', and scolding the lap seva people.

Amma found it hugely amusing. She giggled and said to Ravi

that I should have added coconut shells to my costume.

When I went for darshan later, I asked Amma how many more births I

would have to take for what I did. I was more worried about

the onlookers than Amma herself. Amma said that

I should be free with her, and not think like that.

 

She asked me to go and sing again, and this time I wore

the dress and sang Apaara Kripalo. Amma said that she

liked my singing, and that I sang with feeling, which pleased

me, of course. I was also not so embarrassed as the previous

night. Some people told me they found the whole exchange

very healing and meaningful to them.

 

The funny thing is, I did get my seva close to

Amma after all. My seva was to make Amma laugh. Throughout the tour,

people kept asking me to go and make Amma laugh when

Amma was being too serious, or because they were feeling bored.

And I was asked to do it whether I was in the mood or not.

 

Amma asked me why I talked about so much stress in my life;

she always saw me laughing. I said that my laughter was mainly

when she was there. Somehow, like being in the shade of a

tree I suppose, her presence soothes and relaxes.

 

During darshan in Los Angeles, she whispered in my ear 'my daughter,

my daughter'. I was so surprised, but when I suddenly realized

what she was saying, I burst out laughing. She laughed too, and said,

'Laughter should always burst out of you just like now.'

 

Om Amriteswaryai Namah,

Love,

Vallath (Nandu) Nandakumar

 

 

 

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