My First Darshan, Part Four

[Guest guest]

Since no one declined my offer to shorten my posts, I'll continue.

 

Part IV

 

Now I was in line to receive my very first darshan from Amma. My

friend from Austin was right behind me so I wouldn't be alone. I was

looking at Amma, not believing I was directly across from her and

headed that way! It was so surreal after waiting for so long. I was

worried because I didn't feel the rush of emotion I'd expected after

months of imagining this moment.

 

About five minutes and three butt-scootches forward in line, my

friend leaned over to me and said, "You can talk to Amma, you know. I

mean, you can ALAWYS talk to her, but you can talk directly to her as

you wait in line. She really responds to that when you get there."

Well, that was all I needed! I started talking.

 

"Amma, I can't believe I'm here. I don't deserve to be here. I've

done so many bad things, Amma. Can you love me? Please, Amma, please

just accept me." It was so overwhelming I'm getting a knot in my

throat as I write about it. I kept talking to her, and the tears

began to flow out of my eyes and down my cheeks. That's when the

floodgates burst and my life began rushing forward.

 

Suddenly I was keenly aware of every bad thing I'd done in my life,

every way I'd hurt someone and every way I'd been hurt. I was both

begging Amma for forgiveness and asking her to heal my pain. I cried

and cried all down the queue because I felt so undeserving of her

love but wanted it so badly. I saw her embrace people, and I

couldn't believe she was going to embrace me the same way. I felt

like surely she would want to kick me out of line when she saw into

my pathetic sinful soul.

 

And yet, I knew she wouldn't and that made me cry even more; that she

would love me anyway made me cry so hard after 31 years of waiting.

 

Suddenly I was next in line. I had stopped crying for a moment, but

the instant I was pushed gently into her bosom and felt her arms

around me the torrent of tears came again. She cooed in my ear and

rocked me gently, and I felt like a tiny baby. I felt just like a

baby who was crying to be held and now mom was holding me and

consoling me.

 

When I got up and turned around to get my glasses, I was a wreck! I

couldn't see, my face was wet, I had a headache from crying and I had

just been hugged by the Divine Mother so of course I was dizzy and

confused. The woman who'd taken my glasses handed them back and I

walked off to the side still wiping my face. I stood there for a

while trying to assimilate this newest of all new experiences and

found it difficult. I walked about five steps, and then stood again

just trying to act "normal".

 

It didn't happen. I felt totally spent, wrecked, exhausted and

overwhelmed. I felt like I didn't know who "I" was. I knew who "I"

was when I was in line thinking about all the terrible things in my

past, all the things "I" had done. Now, I felt like a bag of bones

that needed to get out of the brightly lit room, away from the noise

and the people so I could get my bearings again.

[Guest guest]

Thanks. I¹m still reading and enjoying these.

 

on 8/2/03 12:20 PM, MSoliz at msoliz2000 wrote:

 

> Since no one declined my offer to shorten my posts, I'll continue.

>

> Part IV

>

> Now I was in line to receive my very first darshan from Amma. My

> friend from Austin was right behind me so I wouldn't be alone. I was

> looking at Amma, not believing I was directly across from her and

> headed that way! It was so surreal after waiting for so long. I was

> worried because I didn't feel the rush of emotion I'd expected after

> months of imagining this moment.

 

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