Kenna's report #4--backing up a little

[Guest guest]

Namah Shivaya.

 

One of our list members asked off list for more detail about my reluctance

to attend AV50 and what happened to change that. I actually heard many

versions of this story at the Ashram, only the details varied from person to

person.

 

My reasons for not wanting to go:

1. What I love most about going is to be at the Ashram and to do prayers in

the morning and sing bhajans in the evening (the 2 practices Amma asks all

guests to do). So to go and only be there for a few days instead of the

whole time was not appealing to me. Mind you, I don¹t even mind if Amma is

gone from the Ashram. Hard to explain, but the atmosphere, especially before

dawn in the temple is so sublime.

>

> 2. My husband couldn¹t go due to teaching obligations. That meant I¹d have to

> do all the stuff involved with travel myself (I know, I sound like such a

> baby), such as change $, keep track of tickets, etc. etc. A team is a team is

> a team. Besides, at the Ashram I¹d be sharing apt. with 3 others instead of 1.

> More baby coming through.

>

> 3. The idea of dealing with half a million other people in a city just didn¹t

> call out to me. This child prefers forests to cities for retreats, etc.

>

> Well, you see what I mean. Petty, petty, petty. There was a lot of fear mixed

> in here too. ³I¹m almost 60, what if I¹m too old, what if I contract pneumonia

> again, what if I have kleptomaniacs for roommates, what if I can¹t calculate

> the exchange correctly, what if my roommates get mad at me for getting up at

> 4:30 every morning to go to prayers² what if, blah, blah, monkey mind, monkey

> mind.

>

> At iowa program I deliberately avoided Swamiji¹s talk on AV50. Then, Amma

> intervened. One evening before darshan we were sitting with Vinay, our son, in

> our room and he pops out with, ³I think you should go, Kenna.² We both gulped,

> and I heard myself saying, ³You know, I think I should too.² My husband gulped

> again, expressed his fear of all that time without me (the longest we¹ve ever

> been separated) and agreed. That¹s when the dream seemed to begin.

>

> The next evening Devi Bhava night, my husband went back to our room at sunset.

> I had set up an altar with picture of feet. When he first entered the room, he

> saw a vivid triangle of bright colored light illuminating the feet. It was so

> stunning that he got me to look. Later we showed to our friend Ila, who also

> ended up going. We were able to explain it: we had put a fan in the window, I

> had curtained most of the window with a rain parka to keep out bright light

> when we slept, etc. Still, it spoke to us of....the dream...?

>

> Then we went to Chicago. But I wanted to be sure this was Amma¹s will, not

> mine, not Vinay¹s etc.

> So I didn¹t register until we went for darshan and I asked Amma mentally in

> the line to please let me know if it was her will. After she blessed us she

> said, ³OK². I heard, ³OK². My husband heard, ³OK?².

> As if she were answering both of us and making sure it was ok with him, that

> he didn¹t feel run over.

> What human mother can simultaneously allay her children¹s different doubts the

> way Amma can?

>

> My doubts turned sharply around when Amma pulled a fast one and had the Swamis

> talk to all of us gathered for the pre Devi Bhava seva meeting about AV50. It

> seemed to me that the Swamis themselves were in the process of understanding

> what it was. What came through was that this was of enormous importance on

> levels none of us could understand. That it was an opportunity to contribute

> something to the world, to make a difference. I¹ll talk more about that later.

> All I know is, many were moved to register after that. And this child had the

> feeling that she had been born to do this.

>

> Life is not linear and neither is my memory. So wanted to share an experience

> in the Chicago airport at the beginning of the trip. Was walking down a long

> corridor to the Air India departure gate with plenty of time before departure.

> Notice a photo display and took the time to study it. Apparently there is a

> book that has these photos and more. Each photo shows a family from a

> different part of the world and their material possessions. The family members

> are named and the possessions are identified. There were phots of Samoa,

> Iceland, Italy, Germany, USA, China, Kosovo etc. The one that jumped out,

> above all others, was the one from India. It showed a family with NOTHING.

>

> Aum Amriteshvaryai Namah

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