Account of a Dream: No. 3

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This dream occurred on 21 June 03 in the course of my afternoon nap.

I went to sleep at 2.30pm and awoke at 4.30pm. This was my probably

my best Amma dream till that date. It had all the important elements -

a good & long darshan, answers to my FAQs (frequently asked

questions), explicit reassurance and comfort.

 

The dream begins in a conventional setting. I am waiting in line for

darshan. Rather oddly, for one who is not Arab by any stretch of the

imagination, I am wearing a big handkerchief over my head and eyes.

It is not clear why I am wearing this unusual (for me) headdress. It

could have been due to a headache or it may have been some kind of

effort to cut out external stimuli and improve concentration. So

there I am, standing in queue wearing a turban cum blindfold. It

seems ridiculous in hindsight but felt quite normal within the dream.

At some point, I push the blindfold up over my eyes to see what is

going on and to measure the progress of the line.

 

I see that I am at the penultimate spot. Before me is a young girl,

about the same age as my child but 'normal'. My child has medical

issues. Seeing that my turn is near at hand, I leave my eyes

uncovered so I can monitor the situation closely. I watch the little

girl get her darshan. Amma has the little girl on Her lap and is

playing with her. Without thinking, I join in the fun and games and

stretch my right palm out to receive a high-five, the way I often do

with my own child. The little girl in Amma's lap responds with a

smile and strikes my palm, completing the high-five but Amma was not

amused. She gave me a stern glance and slapped my hand away. Perhaps

it was bad form to interrupt another darshan, even in a friendly

manner as I thought I was doing. Perhaps it was disrupting the flow

of energy, information or grace from Amma to that little girl.

Whatever the reason, I did not doubt Amma's judgement in the matter

but felt contrite at my unwitting transgression. I might mention, in

passing, that the sort of gesture I have described here is quite out

of character with my real-life nature. I am actually rather reserved

and would probably never slap a random kid on the back or do the high-

five as I did in this dream. But then, weird things happen in dreams,

raisins turn into grapes and grapes become pineapples.

 

Then comes my turn. Amma takes me into Her embrace. She holds me for

a long time. Cuddles me a lot. I have thoughts in my head but no

words in my mouth. But She responds to my thoughts in real-time as

though She is reading them effortlessly. I get a little emotional and

overwhelmed that She is showering so much love and affection on me.

This is the dream darshan I have always wanted. I am overcome with

the thought that my desire has been granted even though I do not

deserve it in the least. My gratitude and reverence for Amma increase.

 

A point on the cuddling. She holds me close for a long time. Contrary

to normal practice, I also hug Her. The embrace begins in the usual

darshan position but later She pulls me closer in, so that I am lying

in Her lap with my head a little behind Her and Her head resting on

my shoulders/back. She has me in a kind of wrestling grip, firm but

feathery light. As my love for Her bubbles over, I press the flesh of

Her left hand with my own right hand, as a gesture of affection. I

note mentally that the pleasant feeling I have is very similar to

what I experience when I do the same thing to my biological mother

sometimes.

 

Then Amma assures me that my child will be OK. She says that not once

but twice even though I did not make any verbal reference to Her on

the subject, in the course of this dream. I cannot see Her when She

says this as my head is tucked under Her hands, but I parse the words

very carefully to determine whether the ordinary intelligible meaning

of Her declaration is what I think it is. I am checking to make sure

there is no escape clause in the form of some esoteric spiritual

interpretation of Her words. My check returns an OK. She seems to be

speaking in plain Malayalam and there is no apparent ambiguity. I

cannot remember Her exact words now but I do know that they were

distinct and clear within the dream.

 

She goes on to acknowledge, in explicit terms, that my prayers,

devotions and oblations are getting through and registering with Her.

I have often entertained doubts about my prayers. From time to time,

I wonder if they are getting through. In more extreme moments, I have

even wondered if there is anybody at the other end of the line. Such

doubts have cropped up time and again, in the course of my sadhana

and now Amma answers them explicitly and categorically. All this was

in response to the thought that arose in my mind, which I could not

even verbalize. Again, I am overwhelmed.

 

As an aside, it was probably a good thing that Amma was able to pick

my thoughts in the dream and I did not have to rely on words to get

my message across. Being the kind of fellow who requires 2000 words

just to say 'Hello', it is unlikely I would have managed to

communicate anything meaningful in the limited time available if I

had to rely on my language abilities.

 

At some point towards the end of the darshan, I think, Amma starts to

rub my forehead between the eyes. I am not sure whether this is a

spiritual thing ('shaktipat'? healing?) or just an affectionate

gesture to alleviate my headache and mildly feverish feeling. It was

only at about this point that I even became aware that I had these

symptoms. After She is done with the forehead rub, She asks me to lie

down nearby. She goes off to get me a pillow and a sheet for me to

use as a blanket.

 

I am not very clear about what is happening. At first I think that

She imagines I am sick and need to rest. Then I figure that She has

put me into some kind of trance and wants me to sleep it off. Amma

tells me to sleep upto 5.30pm and that She will come down to wake me

up at that time. I am not feeling all that sleepy but follow Her

instructions. (It may sound a trifle contradictory for me to say that

I did not feel very sleepy since I was already fast asleep and

dreaming to boot. My observations are obviously with reference to the

context of the dream. Being awake, going to sleep and then waking up

later: all of these actions were performed within the dream).

 

At about 5pm Amma comes around to check on me. I am awake by now

(still within the dream) but feign continued sleep as She arrives.

Perhaps I want to secretly enjoy Her ministry or maybe it was a

childish reflex. At any rate, I am unable to keep up the pretence for

long. I sit up and tell Amma that I am OK and that is really time for

me to go. She takes in the situation and allows me to leave.

 

Upon my release, I rush home to meet my family and tell them all

about the extraordinary darshan I have just had. When I get home, I

spot my parents sipping tea in the dining room. I am eager to spill

the beans but notice that there are others around the table - a

couple of cousins and other relatives. I myself am not seated but am

pacing up and down. I hold my story back, preferring to talk only to

my parents and not have a general darshan tea party. At this point I

wake up, finally and for real, my story still untold but mostly fresh

in my mind.

 

Om Amriteshwaryai Namah

 

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