The greatest blessing of my life

[Guest guest]

Wow Brianna:

 

I loved reading of your recent journey!!! I am so happy for you. You have a

lot of courage and strength!!!

 

Amma truely loves you!!!

 

In Loves Service

malati

[Guest guest]

Om Namah Shivayah!

 

Dear Ones,

 

I apologize for the length of this posting, but in it

I describe the most profound experience with Amma I've

ever had. I just can't sum it up, but I feel I must

tell you all. It's been a long time since I've posted

here, a lot has happened.

 

I made a really big mistake six months ago, and was so

embarassed and ashamed that I held it inside and

didn't talk to anyone about it, except the person that

was involved in that mistake, who was very emotionally

tormented as a result and unable to let go.

 

I felt sick inside, and VERY VERY far away from our

Mother, though I kept crying out for her. But each

time I looked at Her picture or chanted my mantra, I

felt so confronted with the sickening feeling of guilt

and regret, that I shut down and tried to tune out as

best as I could.

 

I felt like such a fraud, teaching yoga, and taking on

all these huge projects, trying to find something to

pour my energy into and replace the sick feeling with

some light. But I began to get very sick, vomiting

several times a week and developing a terrifying

migraine one evening that nearly immobilized me.

 

Feeling helpless and quite unlovable, I registered for

the Nov. retreat in San Ramon. I'd never been there

before, and although I couldn't afford it, I spent the

money and tried to have faith that Amma would take

care of me, even if I didn't feel too deserving of Her

grace. Frankly, I was terrified to see Her, and

anticipated Her totally ignoring me all week but for a

courtesy hug or two. Of course, I knew already that

Amma loves me unconditionally and would give me

exactly what I needed, but that knowing was eclipsed

by a huge shadow of self-loathing.

 

Now, I know from experience that the way to handle

these things is with faith, love (including

Self-love), and trust in the guru. It's pretty

foolproof with Amma. But it's hard to understand where

She's going sometimes. She gives us what we need, not

what we want. I wanted Amma to give me three things;

 

1) a solution to my problem (read: make it go away)

2) to be percievably reconnected with Her love.

3) a name, something I've been asking for for two

years now and She has always told me to ask later.

 

>From the moment I arrived at the ashram I felt like I

was falling in love. I hadn't smiled so much in

months, and everything I saw and heard made me feel

like my heart would burst. The first night, when Amma

came into the hall for the first time, I stood outside

and chanted Om Amriteswaryai Namaha with everyone for

about twenty minutes, waiting for Mother to drive up.

I couldn't stop the tears. My mind was racing; what if

She was angry with me? Would She reject me or abandon

me? Would She hurt me in the worst way? When She

arrived, She came sweeping through and touched my

hand. I was a puddle of tears, and stayed so all

through the night.

 

Over the next few days, I met so many wonderful

people, and allowed myself to talk openly about what I

was going through. I had several wonderful darshans,

and amazingly didn't sleep more than a few hours the

whole time. I went hiking around the hills inbetween

programs, did lots of seva and sang lots of

spontaneous bhajans with Caleb and Arjuna, if anyone

knows those two guys, they were wonderful.

 

At one of the satsangs, a swami told the story of how

he got his name from Amma. He had to wait for years,

even after he had moved to Amritapuri and become a

renunciate! He wanted it so badly, as I did, and Amma

kept playing with him and putting it off. He did get

it, eventually, and his name means something like,

Amma's beloved child, or something similar, maybe

someone here remembers? It was a great story, and

while I enjoyed it, I secretly was worrying that Amma

would string me a long for a few more years, nameless

and unworthy.

 

I finally wrote Amma the letter I had been planning,

describing my mistake, and painful history of sexual

abuse. I explained the physical manifestations of

nausea and vomiting, and expressed my desire to tell

the truth, and my fear of abandonment. At the end I

added that I was still wanting very much for Her to

name me, and that it would be a great source of

comfort for me. I went up for darshan and handed

Swamiji the note, already quaking with emotion and the

pain rising up in me. Amma recieved me and then asked

me to sit near Her and wait.

 

I ended up sitting right there at Her side for a

little over an hour, waiting for the answer to this

tremendous problem, and waiting for my name. Swamiji

kept glancing over at me with a very serious

expression, and I was sure he hated me. I thought he

very well should, as I was burdening Amma with this

mass of pain that seemed to be connected to everything

hurting inside since I was a little girl. As I sat

there crying, I began to feel a frantic, heavy energy

moving up through me and spilling out the top of my

head. It was a very tangible sensation, and it felt

like something was sucking it out of me. I began to

feel lighter and happy, and my attention turned to the

devotees recieving darshan. I was almost suprised to

see them crying as well, and was struck with a feeling

of being a very small part of a very big reality. Then

it became the feeling that I was not a small part, but

was only focusing intently on a small part, merged in

the ego, I'm not sure how to describe it.

 

Suddenly Swamiji beckoned to me to stand up and go to

him. His exact words were, "Amma says that what you

have done is in the past, you must leave it there.

Don't repeat this mistake ever again. Just leave it

alone and don't worry about it anymore." Don't worry

about it? My mind was confused. What did that mean?

What was the solution and what was my name? I had

recieved a really incredible gift, sitting at Her side

for over an hour while She lifted something very

painful from me, but I had no idea what to do with Her

advice. Don't worry about it? As I went to leave the

stage, he grabbed my hand and said again, very

seriously, "If Amma says don't worry about it, don't

worry about it." I felt speechless, but asked him if

Amma would give me a name the next day. She leaned out

suddenly from behind a devotee in Her arms, and said

loudly in english, "Tomorrow."

 

The next day was the last day of the retreat, and I

didn't feel like getting a darshan that morning. I

heard that there was a special line for names, and I

waited there for a while until someone told us that

She said no more names this morning. I insisted that

She had told me that She would name me that morning,

as I knew She didn't usually give names at Devi Bhava.

The man laughed and reminded me of the swami who

waited years for his name. All of the fears of

abandonment and rejection began welling up in me

again, and I spent the rest of the day in tears of the

most intense longing I'd ever known.

 

Devi Bhava was sublime. I had been in the line to go

into the temple early, and got a very good seat. I was

very worried about going home and not seeing Mother

again till June. I stayed in my seat for hours, not

wanting to waste the last hours of being near Her. I

went for darshan around two in the morning, and after

being cuddled and swept up in Her arms, I asked Her,

"Amma, name?" My voice was shaking and She looked

around, pretending to notice for the first time the

6,500 people there. "Oh, child, so many people. Amma

doesn't know yet. Go sit down there and wait and see."

She had pointed to the corner of the stage, and I

prostrated to Her feet before going there and taking a

seat.

 

Again, the feeling of heavy, sickly energy began to

rise up through me. I cried and cried, it was the

worst feeling and I felt on the verge of collapsing.

But suddenly I felt a wonderful current of something

that I can only describe as love flowing up through

the spine, maybe kundalini? It was like a river of

bliss was washing through me, flowing out of my head.

I felt my arms floating up and my back arching, my

whole body could not help but stretch upwards, caught

in this swift current of love. I kept chanting, "Ma,

Ma, Ma, Ma...." I just wanted to say the name of the

love I felt, and I felt that it's name was definately

Ma.

 

And then I had to lie down. My whole body was buzzing

or shaking, I'm not sure what happened, but several

people nearby gathered around me and held my hands and

said soothing, loving words to me as I cried. This was

so healing and precious an experience for me. I felt

so close to Mother, after feeling so far away, and I

began to feel a deep peace. I knew that Amma would be

with me even when I got back to LA and the problem

that still awaited me.

 

My return was greeted with a massive dose of change in

my life. I moved, my mother was diagnosed with stomach

cancer and was in the hospital on christmas awaiting

an operation. The drama that the lie created continued

to unfold, though I persisted with my sadhana,

confused by Mother's advice. I thought, selfishly,

that "Don't worry about it" meant that I could ignore

the problem and it would go away. Of course, it

didn't. I began vomiting again, frequently, and

finally one day just broke down and told the truth.

 

Of course, once I told the truth, a whole new set of

issues came up. I resolved to go into therapy and

really try to work through the issue in me that I

believe led to the mistake I made, and many others

before. It has been a difficult time, owning up to

what I consider my biggest issue, and trying to draw

strength to move forward and heal. To my suprise, no

one has abandoned me, although my loved ones are

confused and hurt. But they are supporting what I'm

trying to do and being so accepting and gentle with

me. I feel the blessing of Amma's gift to me working

so strongly, and my life is beginning to unfold in a

beautiful way. Not an easy way by any stretch of the

imagination, but the right way.

 

Faith in the guru is so easy to talk about. But Amma

swept in and blessed me with this experience even when

I had little faith. She cleared the path for me to to

do the right thing. She let me know that She would

take care of me, and the experiences I had at the

retreat gave me enough faith in Her to be able to

ultimately admit that I knew full well She would never

advise me to continue lying. Her words could only have

meant that it was okay for me to let go and face the

truth.

 

As for my name, I am starting to appreciate Her

Hitchcockian ways. Who knows what She has in store for

us children? One thing I know for sure, She knows what

She's doing.

 

Pranams to you all! May we all meet in the river of

love.

 

Namah Shivaya,

Brianna

 

 

 

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[Guest guest]

Namah Shivaya Brianna,

 

All I can say is ...

JAI MA!

Omana

>

> Pranams to you all! May we all meet in the river of

> love.

>

> Namah Shivaya,

> Brianna

[Guest guest]

Aum Amriteswaryai Namaha

 

Brianna is the Courage-to-suffer-to-make-things-better devi!

 

You may be doing good things now for more than you by your exapmle!

First for failing and second for rebounding. Maybe you are a light to

others silently suffering with fear and remorse who want to "come

clean" and aopologize about something terrible too. I once couldn't

forgive myself for an auto accident where I was speeding, lost

control, and struck and killed a neighbor's sweet dog. It was really

horrific. I thought myself a bonafide killer and I stopped driving

completely. Then a few years past that I met a man who suffered

terribly for his responsibility in an accident that killed someone

else 40 years past. (Keeping the story short) He really helped me via

his rotten experience to get over my junk and move on. Avante!!

 

What ever you did, remember you're not Kenneth Lay, Slobodan

Milosevic, or Kim Jung il thank Gods! )

 

Hurray for you!

 

Ammachi, Brianna Mosteller <rubyrapunzel>

wrote:

> Om Namah Shivayah!

>

> Dear Ones,

>

> I apologize for the length of this posting, but in it

> I describe the most profound experience with Amma I've

> ever had. I just can't sum it up, but I feel I must

> tell you all. It's been a long time since I've posted

> here, a lot has happened.

>

> I made a really big mistake six months ago, and was so

> embarassed and ashamed that I held it inside and

> didn't talk to anyone about it, except the person that

> was involved in that mistake, who was very emotionally

> tormented as a result and unable to let go.

>

> I felt sick inside, and VERY VERY far away from our

> Mother, though I kept crying out for her. But each

> time I looked at Her picture or chanted my mantra, I

> felt so confronted with the sickening feeling of guilt

> and regret, that I shut down and tried to tune out as

> best as I could.

>

> I felt like such a fraud, teaching yoga, and taking on

> all these huge projects, trying to find something to

> pour my energy into and replace the sick feeling with

> some light. But I began to get very sick, vomiting

> several times a week and developing a terrifying

> migraine one evening that nearly immobilized me.

>

> Feeling helpless and quite unlovable, I registered for

> the Nov. retreat in San Ramon. I'd never been there

> before, and although I couldn't afford it, I spent the

> money and tried to have faith that Amma would take

> care of me, even if I didn't feel too deserving of Her

> grace. Frankly, I was terrified to see Her, and

> anticipated Her totally ignoring me all week but for a

> courtesy hug or two. Of course, I knew already that

> Amma loves me unconditionally and would give me

> exactly what I needed, but that knowing was eclipsed

> by a huge shadow of self-loathing.

>

> Now, I know from experience that the way to handle

> these things is with faith, love (including

> Self-love), and trust in the guru. It's pretty

> foolproof with Amma. But it's hard to understand where

> She's going sometimes. She gives us what we need, not

> what we want. I wanted Amma to give me three things;

>

> 1) a solution to my problem (read: make it go away)

> 2) to be percievably reconnected with Her love.

> 3) a name, something I've been asking for for two

> years now and She has always told me to ask later.

>

> From the moment I arrived at the ashram I felt like I

> was falling in love. I hadn't smiled so much in

> months, and everything I saw and heard made me feel

> like my heart would burst. The first night, when Amma

> came into the hall for the first time, I stood outside

> and chanted Om Amriteswaryai Namaha with everyone for

> about twenty minutes, waiting for Mother to drive up.

> I couldn't stop the tears. My mind was racing; what if

> She was angry with me? Would She reject me or abandon

> me? Would She hurt me in the worst way? When She

> arrived, She came sweeping through and touched my

> hand. I was a puddle of tears, and stayed so all

> through the night.

>

> Over the next few days, I met so many wonderful

> people, and allowed myself to talk openly about what I

> was going through. I had several wonderful darshans,

> and amazingly didn't sleep more than a few hours the

> whole time. I went hiking around the hills inbetween

> programs, did lots of seva and sang lots of

> spontaneous bhajans with Caleb and Arjuna, if anyone

> knows those two guys, they were wonderful.

>

> At one of the satsangs, a swami told the story of how

> he got his name from Amma. He had to wait for years,

> even after he had moved to Amritapuri and become a

> renunciate! He wanted it so badly, as I did, and Amma

> kept playing with him and putting it off. He did get

> it, eventually, and his name means something like,

> Amma's beloved child, or something similar, maybe

> someone here remembers? It was a great story, and

> while I enjoyed it, I secretly was worrying that Amma

> would string me a long for a few more years, nameless

> and unworthy.

>

> I finally wrote Amma the letter I had been planning,

> describing my mistake, and painful history of sexual

> abuse. I explained the physical manifestations of

> nausea and vomiting, and expressed my desire to tell

> the truth, and my fear of abandonment. At the end I

> added that I was still wanting very much for Her to

> name me, and that it would be a great source of

> comfort for me. I went up for darshan and handed

> Swamiji the note, already quaking with emotion and the

> pain rising up in me. Amma recieved me and then asked

> me to sit near Her and wait.

>

> I ended up sitting right there at Her side for a

> little over an hour, waiting for the answer to this

> tremendous problem, and waiting for my name. Swamiji

> kept glancing over at me with a very serious

> expression, and I was sure he hated me. I thought he

> very well should, as I was burdening Amma with this

> mass of pain that seemed to be connected to everything

> hurting inside since I was a little girl. As I sat

> there crying, I began to feel a frantic, heavy energy

> moving up through me and spilling out the top of my

> head. It was a very tangible sensation, and it felt

> like something was sucking it out of me. I began to

> feel lighter and happy, and my attention turned to the

> devotees recieving darshan. I was almost suprised to

> see them crying as well, and was struck with a feeling

> of being a very small part of a very big reality. Then

> it became the feeling that I was not a small part, but

> was only focusing intently on a small part, merged in

> the ego, I'm not sure how to describe it.

>

> Suddenly Swamiji beckoned to me to stand up and go to

> him. His exact words were, "Amma says that what you

> have done is in the past, you must leave it there.

> Don't repeat this mistake ever again. Just leave it

> alone and don't worry about it anymore." Don't worry

> about it? My mind was confused. What did that mean?

> What was the solution and what was my name? I had

> recieved a really incredible gift, sitting at Her side

> for over an hour while She lifted something very

> painful from me, but I had no idea what to do with Her

> advice. Don't worry about it? As I went to leave the

> stage, he grabbed my hand and said again, very

> seriously, "If Amma says don't worry about it, don't

> worry about it." I felt speechless, but asked him if

> Amma would give me a name the next day. She leaned out

> suddenly from behind a devotee in Her arms, and said

> loudly in english, "Tomorrow."

>

> The next day was the last day of the retreat, and I

> didn't feel like getting a darshan that morning. I

> heard that there was a special line for names, and I

> waited there for a while until someone told us that

> She said no more names this morning. I insisted that

> She had told me that She would name me that morning,

> as I knew She didn't usually give names at Devi Bhava.

> The man laughed and reminded me of the swami who

> waited years for his name. All of the fears of

> abandonment and rejection began welling up in me

> again, and I spent the rest of the day in tears of the

> most intense longing I'd ever known.

>

> Devi Bhava was sublime. I had been in the line to go

> into the temple early, and got a very good seat. I was

> very worried about going home and not seeing Mother

> again till June. I stayed in my seat for hours, not

> wanting to waste the last hours of being near Her. I

> went for darshan around two in the morning, and after

> being cuddled and swept up in Her arms, I asked Her,

> "Amma, name?" My voice was shaking and She looked

> around, pretending to notice for the first time the

> 6,500 people there. "Oh, child, so many people. Amma

> doesn't know yet. Go sit down there and wait and see."

> She had pointed to the corner of the stage, and I

> prostrated to Her feet before going there and taking a

> seat.

>

> Again, the feeling of heavy, sickly energy began to

> rise up through me. I cried and cried, it was the

> worst feeling and I felt on the verge of collapsing.

> But suddenly I felt a wonderful current of something

> that I can only describe as love flowing up through

> the spine, maybe kundalini? It was like a river of

> bliss was washing through me, flowing out of my head.

> I felt my arms floating up and my back arching, my

> whole body could not help but stretch upwards, caught

> in this swift current of love. I kept chanting, "Ma,

> Ma, Ma, Ma...." I just wanted to say the name of the

> love I felt, and I felt that it's name was definately

> Ma.

>

> And then I had to lie down. My whole body was buzzing

> or shaking, I'm not sure what happened, but several

> people nearby gathered around me and held my hands and

> said soothing, loving words to me as I cried. This was

> so healing and precious an experience for me. I felt

> so close to Mother, after feeling so far away, and I

> began to feel a deep peace. I knew that Amma would be

> with me even when I got back to LA and the problem

> that still awaited me.

>

> My return was greeted with a massive dose of change in

> my life. I moved, my mother was diagnosed with stomach

> cancer and was in the hospital on christmas awaiting

> an operation. The drama that the lie created continued

> to unfold, though I persisted with my sadhana,

> confused by Mother's advice. I thought, selfishly,

> that "Don't worry about it" meant that I could ignore

> the problem and it would go away. Of course, it

> didn't. I began vomiting again, frequently, and

> finally one day just broke down and told the truth.

>

> Of course, once I told the truth, a whole new set of

> issues came up. I resolved to go into therapy and

> really try to work through the issue in me that I

> believe led to the mistake I made, and many others

> before. It has been a difficult time, owning up to

> what I consider my biggest issue, and trying to draw

> strength to move forward and heal. To my suprise, no

> one has abandoned me, although my loved ones are

> confused and hurt. But they are supporting what I'm

> trying to do and being so accepting and gentle with

> me. I feel the blessing of Amma's gift to me working

> so strongly, and my life is beginning to unfold in a

> beautiful way. Not an easy way by any stretch of the

> imagination, but the right way.

>

> Faith in the guru is so easy to talk about. But Amma

> swept in and blessed me with this experience even when

> I had little faith. She cleared the path for me to to

> do the right thing. She let me know that She would

> take care of me, and the experiences I had at the

> retreat gave me enough faith in Her to be able to

> ultimately admit that I knew full well She would never

> advise me to continue lying. Her words could only have

> meant that it was okay for me to let go and face the

> truth.

>

> As for my name, I am starting to appreciate Her

> Hitchcockian ways. Who knows what She has in store for

> us children? One thing I know for sure, She knows what

> She's doing.

>

> Pranams to you all! May we all meet in the river of

> love.

>

> Namah Shivaya,

> Brianna

>

>

>

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