Guest guest Posted May 1, 2004 Report Share Posted May 1, 2004 Georgeson, thanks for your concern - please know that I enjoyed the posts about songs, being an "oldie" myself and, I SO appreciate your words. No harm done, no disrespect felt or even perceived by me. My angst and struggles are not belittled in any way by what I read here and I love that I can say out loud what is in my heart and share with everyone. A bit of herstory - as a secret "love child" and former orphan I spent much of my life (up until meeting Amma) living in my world where I talked to no one about my real self and let no one in my heart. Being able to share in this way with this group is so healing for me, and - people's responses are all good to me, all good. Gabriela I love you. So the struggle continues. Since that last big whine (the black cloud and fog) I was in, I realized last week that I was indeed pushing myself too hard and giving myself no kindness, nurturing or even love. Amma finally said to me to stop pushing, to just know that I am and just be grateful for what I have. When I read on one post that one can be NOT READY to let go of bad habits, that possibly there is a purpose to proceeding with caution when growing in spirituality (duh) it really made sense to me. This morning when I woke up and looked at Amma on my altar (which is at the foot of my bed) and cried, I asked myself "who is crying - WHO WANTS TO STAY IN CHAOS AND PAIN AND WHY WON'T YOU LET GO OF ME " The answer: I am aware now that I have still some "parts" inside of me that resist so much the good and peaceful way I am choosing. I have to address these "parts" of me with kindness and support, I cannot just yank out the guilty party and flog it - which resulted in self loathing and self pity and great grief. I know this sounds crazy maybe, but for those of us who endured abuse and split into parts to deal with it, please understand that all of the "parts" have to come back to ONE in order to move forward. So I realize this morning that I am dealing with one very sore, very hurt, very afraid part of me that still believes that good is only an illusion and that peace and quiet and spirituality are just dreams that will never be fulfilled. So this morning I am seeing and talking to that poor little spirit in me and knowing that with patience and love all things are possible, healing is possible. "It take as long as it takes" and I can take the time to heal and nurture all of me. Oh Amma, this is so hard to do!!!!! The pain is great and my tears help wash this pain away. I believe this current upheaval inside of me began when the stories started about priests getting accused of abusing children and getting convicted and getting exposed - each time I read about these convictions and trials, my gut wrenches. I was abused by clergy in an orphanage before the age of three and I am still holding on to that grief and Amma please take this gut sickness away, please. I pretended till the stories started about all the clergy abuse, I pretended that it didn't matter that it happened to me. That I could move on with my life in Amma and be healed. I see now that I have some more work to do and with Amma's help, the feelings will pass and I can get on with my life minus this gut sickness and pain and fear. The blessing is that I can even see these things, have an awareness of the changes gonig on inside of me. I used to drink alcohol every day instead and pretend I was happy. Jai MA! Om Namashivaya - In Amma's service, Supriti Omenka Nnadi Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2004 Report Share Posted May 1, 2004 Namah Shivaya, You are Amma’s little girl. Our pain demands recognition. Write it out on paper – over and over if you have to, and offer it to Amma on your altar. I don’t think you need to focus on what happened, but on how it made you feel, and how you feel now. Don’t do it alone if it’s too big – call one of us, call a counselor (United Way operates counseling in many cities, and abuse shelters often have free counseling). You are strong, sweet Amma’s girl. You’ve endured so much already - do you realize that? You have friends and community, and you aren’t an orphan anymore! You are Amma’s daughter and my sister! If you love me, you love yourself because there is no difference between us. And you deserve that love, from us and from yourself. We ARE each other, so you aren’t alone and you have our strength. The fastest way past conflict is straight through. And you can do it – you’ve come so far already! With love, Gabriela Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs http://hotjobs.sweepstakes./careermakeover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2004 Report Share Posted May 1, 2004 - "Gabriela Rios" <gabriela1027 <Ammachi> Saturday, May 01, 2004 12:16 PM Re: Crying in Ann Arbor (again) > Namah Shivaya, > I agree with Gabriela: write it out, call us, do whatever it takes to let the healing occur. And remember, I've taken Gabriela's hands, and I'm sure others are holding mine - we have a circle of love around you and among us, there's not much we can't do. I intend to spend the evening asking Mother to enclose all of us in Her arms; we make a fine family, don't you think? Love, Snehalata > You are Amma's little girl. > > Our pain demands recognition. Write it out on paper - > over and over if you have to, and offer it to Amma on > your altar. I don't think you need to focus on what > happened, but on how it made you feel, and how you > feel now. Don't do it alone if it's too big - call > one of us, call a counselor (United Way operates > counseling in many cities, and abuse shelters often > have free counseling). You are strong, sweet Amma's > girl. You've endured so much already - do you realize > that? You have friends and community, and you aren't > an orphan anymore! You are Amma's daughter and my > sister! > > If you love me, you love yourself because there is no > difference between us. And you deserve that love, from > us and from yourself. We ARE each other, so you > aren't alone and you have our strength. > > The fastest way past conflict is straight through. > And you can do it - you've come so far already! > > With love, > Gabriela > > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes./careermakeover > > > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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