Story of my life...

[Guest guest]

Om Namah Shivayah!

 

My time with Amma in San Ramon was life-changing as usual. I took the train up

from LA and was already exhausted from lack of sleep by the time I touched Her

hand coming into the temple Saturday night. Darshan was so sweet and different

from my usual cathartic experience... I simply felt a deep quiet closeness that

I can only compare to what I imagine floating in space might be like. My

roommate was a very sweet member of this list, Nirmala (am I spelling that

right?), who shared some of her wonderful experiences with Amma that I will

never forget!

 

Both the morning and evening programs on Sunday were unforgettable, especially

bhajans. Amma sang Meri Pyari Maya (sp?), and I just laughed and laughed, such

joy! I connected with a friend I had made over the summer tour and enjoyed the

deepening of that friendship. Through him, I may have the means to get to the LA

satsang fairly regularly, finally, Jai Ma. That night I began to experience what

I consider a kind of tool Amma gave me to work with in the coming months, a way

of opening to Her, a subtle shift that I seem to have constant access to. I've

been playing with this tool and enjoying the deep peace and contentment that

comes from simply opening. During my darshan, I gave Amma a note regarding three

things which had been weighing heavily on my mind. She passed the note to

someone (I didn't see who) and drew me in to Her arms. I was sort of expecting

Her to respond in some way to the note, to give me some sort of advice or

acknowledgment, but She just smiled and I went to sit

down nearby. Soon I began worrying about whether or not anyone would read the

note to Her ever. My mind was racing, all the old doubts coming up. Then I heard

Her voice distinctly, "WHERE IS YOUR FAITH?" And I realized that not only does

She know the contents of the letter regardless of whether or not it gets read to

Her, I needn't have written it at all. "Thy will be done, Amma," I kept

whispering, and began to let go of my worries.

 

Fast forward to Devi Bhava. Again I correctly guessed the color of Devi's sari

(blue), a tradition of several years now! A very sweet woman gave me a fully

blossomed gardenia which I sat with in meditation for a long time after Atma

Puja. I was able to stay in one spot for almost all of Devi Bhava except for a

brief trip back to my hotel room to soak my aching back in salt water. I have a

degenerative spinal thing that can be pretty bad after so many hours of sitting.

The miracle was, Amma kept looking at me, right into my eyes. Over and over, She

would draw someone into a hug and gaze at me over their shoulder. I couldn't

believe that it kept happening, and soon I began to feel broken down by the gaze

of the Mother of the Universe. I ran outside in tears, here is an excerpt from

what I wrote that morning;

 

"Here I am running away from the end of Devi Bhava again as usual. I feel like a

fake, a liar, a thief. How can I pretend to be deserving of such a relationship

with You while I am wearing all these thousands of stupid masks, and You see

beneath every one of them. Amma help me! All the same vasanas are here and so

obvious, when I should be at my best while at Your feet. I don't know how to be

a disciple at all, why don't You just throw me away? I'm selfish and lazy. I

thought I was really getting somewhere, but one glance and I know I am nowhere.

Oh Amma, forget about me. Why did You bother to come when I called? Aren't I

wasting Your time? I don't deserve You but I can't tear myself away, so let me

be invisible. My love is obscured by this insincere ego. Don't look at me until

my eyes are honest."

 

I returned to the hall and wept, utterly broken down. I had never managed to

make it into the showering of petals before and Amma hurled them into my crying

face. I knelt near the door waiting for Her to leave, feeling so humbled and

shaken. Finally She came by, and as She lovingly caressed that sweet man

(paraplegic who used to be a guitar player, I forgot his name), She reached Her

hand out for me and I held it for a few minutes. Her tiny little hand, so soft

and gently rubbing mine, I was on another planet! I felt so undeserving of such

love, such acceptance.

 

Later that night during my flight to Seattle the plane hit some violent

turbulence and began lurching around, dropping dramatically and shaking. The

flight attendants were kneeling in the aisles, and announcing that there were

life jackets under our seats in case we need to make a water landing. The oxygen

masks popped out of the ceiling and everyone was screaming and praying. I pulled

out my Amma doll and chanted my mantra. Suddenly I remembered Amma looking into

my eyes and then holding my hand and I just held that memory in my heart as a

deep peace came over me. "Thy will be done, Amma," I said and the engines went

dead. We seemed to be just coasting through the air. I just focused on the

memory of Her hand in mine and my mantra. Finally the engines turned back on and

we landed safely a few minutes later.

 

So far this visit with my family has been magical for us all. My step mother,

who is having chemotherapy, told me that she can feel people praying for her

from every direction in a constant flow of love. In a reiki session recently she

realized that love is the reason we are all here, and if she survives the cancer

she wants to devote her life to sharing that love in some way. Jai Ma. My

grandparents are in their last days, and radiant. I showed them the DVD of Amma

singing the Sri Mahisasuramardini Strotam this summer (I'm in it!) and my Gram

shed tears of bliss. Both of them are using the holy water I brought them, and

my step mother had a prasad apple in Her smoothie, which she takes through a

tube in her stomach. I'm also spending some quality time with my 12 year old

sister, and tomorrow we are going to spend the whole day together for the first

time in years.

 

So, many many blessings. I just feel so grateful and humbled. I don't feel

frantic about not seeing Amma for another seven months, She is right here and I

just have to stay open. Thanks to all of you for your prayers, they are working.

I hope everyone is well, I can't wait to read other people's stories about their

time with Amma. We are truly blessed.

 

grateful, hopeful, humbled,

 

Prajna

 

 

 

 

 

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