Guest guest Posted July 30, 2005 Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 ammasiswari wrote: >I must confess that the only time I've cried around Amma is when I've struggled with >painful/difficult issues in her presence. Otherwise, I just feel at peace when I'm with her. I >hear these stories of everyone crying for her and I hear her say we should cry for God, but, >for me, tears just don't usually come. Sometimes I wonder, in comparison, if I'm lacking in >my devotion (though I suppose there is room for all of us to grow in our devotion!). > >Oh, this is reminding me of a story Krishna Das once told at a kirtan. He talked about >seeing all of the devotees of his guru (Neem Karoli Baba) being moved to tears in his >presence, and how he always felt something was wrong with him because he didn't cry. >One day, he tried to make himself cry, and his guru said (roughly), "Hey what are you >doing? Why are you forcing yourself to imitate these other devotees, because you think >that's what you're 'supposed' to do!? Express love in the way that it comes through you." > >Sometimes, I hear other devotees talking about their tears for Amma, their devotion, their >seva, their spiritual practices and I fall into this trap of comparing myself and feeling like >I'm coming up so short as a devotee. Does anyone else do this? Just curious... > >At the end of Devi Bhava at the MA retreat, a couple of sevites near the stage where I was >doing line seva snapped at me harshly/nastily. Although I hadn't done anything wrong, I >was so exhausted from working so much that it pushed a major worthlessness button >(that it probably wouldn't have ordinarily - except that I think Amma wanted to show it to >me) and I was in tears for the last hour or two. At one point, I was sitting outside the hall >area, crying, and a satsang sister stopped when she saw me to ask if I was okay. I said, >"not really, at the moment." She gave me a kind look and said, "That's right, you cry for >God, go on....just cry for God." And then I felt even worse than I had a few minutes before, >because I wasn't crying for God. I was crying because I felt like such pathetic excuse for a >devotee! I was crying because I felt God/Amma didn't even want me there. And then I was >crying even harder because she'd mistaken my tears of despair for something noble! > >I wonder if anyone else has felt this way and if so....what to do? > >Namah Shivaya, >Iswari > > > Dear Ishwari, I had a thing happen with my first guru that was similar to what you went through. It really pushed my inadequacy/bad person button and I was throughly bummed, reverted to a state like what I would be in as a little kid. I just went to bed and crawled inside of myself, but unlike when I was a kid, it was so deeply that I couldn't come out. I went into a near unconscious state. I was aware that my roommates were coming and going, but I literally could not move a muscle. Later when I really tried to move I couldn't and started to panic. I finally said my mantra or cried out to the guru (can't remember which) and "came to" It was very weird. Then I didn't feel like I had been sleeping, came to normal "awake" state - but still bummed. Being around the guru can be difficult, because She/He brings up stuff that can be long gone - or so we think. It can be a real roller coaster ride. Sounds like Neem Karoli Baba gave Krishna Das some really good advice. Devotion takes many forms. Some people cry really easily and some don't. I have been told to just watch emotions and not identify with them. I have been in Mother's company and felt disgust for every person there. Afterwards I realized it was just my crazy mind and before I went back the next day I asked Mother to let me feel love instead - and She did. Even the mind is all Mother's play. She said in one of the "Awaken Children" books that even our thoughts originate in Her. It is all Mother - every little thing, every little feeling, is all Her play. Namah Shivaya prasadini Ammachi, wrote: >>Oh good, another sister who is a cry baby with Amma >> >> > > > > > >Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2005 Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 Namah Shivayah Prasadini I have had similar feelings when in the program halls!! I hated to admit it, but I get sometimes JEALOUS when there are so many people around Amma. I want her all to myself, as silly as that idea even is. JAI MA Erica > > > > > > > Dear Ishwari, > I had a thing happen with my first guru that was similar to what you > went through. It really pushed my inadequacy/bad person button and I was > throughly bummed, reverted to a state like what I would be in as a > little kid. I just went to bed and crawled inside of myself, but > unlike when I was a kid, it was so deeply that I couldn't come out. I > went into a near unconscious state. > I was aware that my roommates were coming and going, but I literally > could not move a muscle. Later when I really tried to move > I couldn't and started to panic. I finally said my mantra or cried out > to the guru (can't remember which) and "came to" > It was very weird. Then I didn't feel like I had been sleeping, came to > normal "awake" state - but still bummed. > Being around the guru can be difficult, because She/He brings up stuff > that can be long gone - or so we think. It can > be a real roller coaster ride. > Sounds like Neem Karoli Baba gave Krishna Das some really good advice. > Devotion takes many forms. Some people > cry really easily and some don't. > I have been told to just watch emotions and not identify with them. I > have been in Mother's company and felt disgust for > every person there. Afterwards I realized it was just my crazy mind and > before I went back the next day I asked Mother > to let me feel love instead - and She did. Even the mind is all Mother's > play. She said in one of the "Awaken Children" books that > even our thoughts originate in Her. It is all Mother - every little > thing, every little feeling, is all Her play. > Namah Shivaya > prasadini > > > Ammachi, wrote: > > >>Oh good, another sister who is a cry baby with Amma > >> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > >Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > > Links > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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