Volume 5, Chapter 30

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Diary of a Traveling Preacher

 

Volume 5, Chapter 30

 

November 16, 2004

 

 

An Offering for Srila Prabhupada's Disappearance Day

 

 

Dearest Srila Prabhupada,

 

Please accept my most humble obeisances in the dust of your lotus feet.

 

Today is the anniversary of your disappearance from this world 27 years ago.

You once said that when the Lord disappears from the world, He

simultaneously appears elsewhere in some other universe to begin His

pastimes again. You gave the analogy of the sun: as it disappears on the

horizon, causing darkness to descend, it simultaneously appears elsewhere on

the earth, bringing the soft rays of morning light.

 

In a similar way, your disappearance from our lives has enveloped us in a

long night of darkness that has yet to recede. No doubt your appearance

elsewhere has given great joy to those who received you, but to this very

moment, the fire of separation from you still burns within my heart. Out of

social etiquette, such feelings are not often shared with others, but rather

are kept confidential, to be expressed only at opportune moments, such as

today.

 

Since the day you left, I have reflected many times on a letter you wrote to

me soon after I joined your movement. It was as if you were preparing me

even then for your inevitable departure from this world with words of

consolation:

 

"I very much appreciate your feelings of separation, after my departure from

Detroit. I am also feeling separation from my guru maharaja, but I always

feel that he is watching over and protecting me."

 

Srila Prabhupada, I would also like to have the same conviction: that you

are always watching over and protecting me, but I know I must merit such

mercy. The spiritual master is by nature benevolent, but his sustained

association, like that of the Lord, can only be had by steadfast devotional

service over many years, or even lifetimes. Such association is not cheap

and must never be taken for granted.

 

The few opportunities I had to be in your association in this life - in New

York when you gave me your own dhoti in appreciation for serving your

mission; on the flight to London when we laughed heartily at what you called

the humor of Krsna in the antics of Charlie Chaplin; and in your room at the

Bury Place temple when you slapped me on the back in fatherly appreciation -

were certainly only your causeless mercy upon me.

 

In retrospect, I see those brief moments as an impetus to gain your

association forever. The Lord Himself appeared before Narada early in

Narada's devotional career but then suddenly disappeared leaving him with

the following words:

 

hantasmin janmani bhavan

ma mam drastum iharhati

avipakva kasa yanam

durdarso ham kuyoginam

 

"O Narada, I regret that during this lifetime you will not be able to see Me

again. Those who are incomplete in service - and who are not completely free

from all material taints - can hardly see me." [ Srimad Bhagavatam 1.6.21 ]

 

sakrd yad darsitam rupam

etat kamaya te 'nagha

mat-kamah sanakaih sadhu

sarvan muncati hrc-chayan

 

"O virtuous one, you have only once seen my person, and this is just to

increase your desire for Me, because the more your hanker for me, the more

you will become free from material desires." [ Srimad Bhagavatam 1.6.22 ]

 

Srila Prabhupada, I also hanker for your association and service. Therefore

on this auspicious day, I will take my cue from the words of the Lord to

Narada, I will refocus myself, and in the few years remaining in this life

make every effort to become complete in my service to you and free from all

material desires.

 

Just as a father takes pride in seeing his children grow, you take great

pleasure in seeing us, your disciples, advance in spiritual life.

Advancement implies becoming free from selfish material desires and

rendering constant service to you, but I cannot free myself from such

selfish desires alone. I need your mercy.

 

Please help me kick out all unwanted things from my heart so that I can be a

valuable instrument in your cherished service of preaching the glories of

your beloved Lord. Only by serving this mood of yours here in the world of

matter will I become eligible to serve your mood in the spiritual abode.

 

On many occasions I saw how strongly you wanted the fallen souls of this

world to hear the holy names of the Lord, read His words of wisdom, and

taste His blessed food. Once I walked into your room in New Mayapura and saw

you looking out the window, as hundreds of devotees began to take prasad. As

you turned around, you looked at me and although you said nothing, the tears

welling up in your eyes were worth more than a thousand words. Your heart

was melting out of compassion, seeing your devotees relish the mercy of the

Lord.

 

Srila Prabhupada, please bring me to the stage were I can also cry out of

compassion for the fallen souls, and with a humble heart go out daily to

preach the divine command. In such a state of mind, I will lose all

attraction to this material world and my only desire will be to become your

servant birth after birth. Only by such service will I gain your favor and

one day realize the truth of your words to me: that you are in fact always

watching over and protecting me.

 

Forever your servant,

Indradyumna Swami

 

indradyumna.swami (AT) pamho (DOT) net

 

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