Remembering Srila Prabhupada - Realizations

[Guest guest]

Realizations

 

 

There are so many ways you can glorify Prabhupada.

There are so many ways you can speak about Prabhupada.

There are so many things you can say, because

Prabhupada was unlimited. Prabhupada is unlimited.

Everything he ever did was unlimited. No one could

understand the depths of Prabhupada's actions or his

words. They're inconceivable. Sometimes I hear

devotees tell me, "Oh, you are so lucky. You

associated personally with Srila Prabhupada so much."

And sometimes I might say, "Oh, yes," because I don't

want to make an argument. It's not that I'm trying to

say I wasn't lucky. I felt very fortunate. But I don't

feel like I ever associated with Srila Prabhupada

personally. It may be hard to understand how you can

be with somebody so much yet not associate with him

personally. Because I could never understand Srila

Prabhupada, therefore I could not even begin to

conceive of how to associate with him personally.

 

I often became very jealous. I became very much

jealous often of Hari Sauri dasa because I could sit

in front of Srila Prabhupada and him, and Srila

Prabhupada would talk with him like an old friend. I

used to be envious like anything because Srila

Prabhupada never spoke to me like that. Tamala Krsna

Maharaja would sit in front of Srila Prabhupada and

they would discuss all kinds of things, and I would be

envious because Srila Prabhupada never spoke to me

like that. And Bhavananda Maharaja would come to Srila

Prabhupada, and Prabhupada would be so nice with him

all the time, and all he ever did was hit me on the

head. I'm envious because they all have such a deep

relationship with Srila Prabhupada, yet in my case, I

don't even understand that relationship very well. All

I know is that every time I wanted to be close with

Srila Prabhupada, he would end up taking out his club

and just cracking my head. This went on consistently.

 

It's very difficult to understand, because when I was

secretary, I tried to imitate former secretaries, and

all I did was get smashed to pieces. When I was

servant, I tried to imitate former servants, and it

never worked. When I was GBC and I came to visit, I

tried to imitate other GBCs who came to visit, and it

didn't work. When Prabhupada was going to leave the

planet, I couldn't even be part of that. I was not

part of that. I was not part of Prabhupada's

appearance pastime in the Western world. I was not

part of Prabhupada's disappearance pastime in the

manifested universe.

 

I always lamented why I was so stupid, wasting my time

in the university in 1969 doing nothing, when Srila

Prabhupada was downstairs in my dormitory, sitting

there. I walked right through the room. Didn't even

know it. Didn't see him. Didn't see the devotees.

Didn't see anything. Just walked right through. Didn't

see him. Didn't see anybody. Never heard of it. Until

four years later, the person I was living with said,

"Do you remember that Swami who was in our dormitory

that day?" I said, "What Swami?" Later on I told this

to Srila Prabhupada. He just laughed. I then asked,

"Why didn't I see you then? I always wanted to be part

of this. First days." He just shook his head. "You

were not ready." I hung my head on the floor.

 

Then I remember when Srila Prabhupada was departing, I

wanted to be there. There were so many things -- huge

court cases. Prabhupada was happy if I gave him some

books, so I wanted to make so many books. I was

running around going to printers. I had just gotten

another batch of books ready to bring to Srila

Prabhupada and then he disappeared. I wasn't part of

Prabhupada's pastimes, and I don't feel that I ever

really personally associated with him. And on his

disappearance days I don't feel a part. Yet I was

trying to understand why. Then I understood just

listening to everybody today for the first time. This

has been very instructive.

 

In 1976, in January, Prabhupada sent me away. He sent

me away and he gave me the instruction that was to be

the instruction by which I was always to remember him.

He always used to chastise me on this one point: why I

always insist on being with him personally, and why I

don't understand his instructions. "Why are you always

so attached to this so-called personal association?

Don't you understand that the vani is more important

than the vapuh? Don't you understand that I want you

to do something?"

 

Then I was always trying to again come back to Srila

Prabhupada, even after he had sent me away to perform

his services. I understand now. That was the final

sending away at that time. I was not going to have

that personal relationship that I always had. I was

just sent away. Menial servant.

 

One time I tried to forcibly put myself back into

Prabhupada's association. After about three days of

being Prabhupada's secretary in 1976 in August, when

he was in New Mayapur, France, Prabhupada asked me to

write a letter and I spelled every other word wrong.

I'm a horrible speller. He wanted to get rid of me

then and there after three days because I was such a

terrible speller, and why didn't I use a dictionary?

Actually, I had to take a devotee as my editor. He had

to edit the whole letter because I was so hopeless. I

said to Srila Prabhupada, "But your other secretaries

can't spell either! I've seen! Why are you chastising

me for not being able to spell, and now kicking me

away?" And then he was very insistent. He was

chastising me for everything I did. I was getting more

and more upset, and I was holding on more and more.

"No, I won't go. I refuse." It became a huge battle.

"Go away.No. I won't." And then more and more

beating and beating and beating and beating. Finally,

at the end of all this beating here in Vrndavana, I

came and I said, "I quit! I can't take it any more."

He said, "You can't quit. i fire you." Even to the

last, "Get out. Go. Serve."

 

I said, "I don't want to go back. There's so many

troubles in that place I came from."

 

He said, "I don't care what you do when you go back

there. You just sit there in your room and chant Hare

Krsna, but stay there."

 

I said, '"How can I go traveling alone in the

mountains? No strong association. Nobody will go with

me. Too dangerous."

 

He said, "Then you go alone. You should be very

careful of this so-called strong association."

Contradicting again and again everything I said.

 

One time, "There's nothing to eat, Srila Prabhupada!"

 

He said, "Then eat meat if you have to."

 

I said, "But what about my consciousness?"

 

He said, "Damn your consciousness. You have to

preach." He just bewildered me. Unbending. He wanted

it done. That's all. "Make my books. Distribute my

books. Preach. That's all. Don't come back here

crawling on the floor, wanting to sit in front of me

and wave your fingers." I was typing his books,

listening to his latest words in my ears, completely

happy.

 

He wants these things. He's very insistent. And

because I would probably get all lost in

sentimentality, I don't think I would have been able

to tolerate Prabhupada's disappearance. Even to this

day I cannot stand to see a picture of Prabhupada's

disappearance. I cannot stand to hear descriptions of

Prabhupada disappearing. I don't watch Yadubara's

movie because of this, and he doesn't like that, but I

just can't stand it. I don't know. I'm too

sentimental. I can't stand it. Prabhupada knew me

perfectly; he dealt with me in a completely unique way

just to circumvent that sentimentality and make me

attached to his instructions. Prabhupada dealt with

each and every one of us so perfectly. Every single

devotee. So uniquely. No one can say they have a

complete picture of Srila Prabhupada. You can't even

know one small feature, because in each and every

circumstance, how Prabhupada dealt with everybody was

so unique and marvelous -- just like Krsna. You cannot

know Krsna fully. His glories are unlimited. You can

see in Prabhupada's dealings how he's manifesting more

and more of his energies, his saktis, making devotees

do things that are inconceivable all over the world.

Inconceivable things.

 

I'll never forget what Satsvarupa Maharaja once wrote

in his Back to Godhead editorial on charisma. A police

captain in New York City said, "Do you know why this

New York Ratha-yatra is a success? Because the Swamiji

wanted it so. Because he wanted it." Everybody can

understand Prabhupada's potencies, how Prabhupada is

forcing us to just push on more and more.

 

Gradually, gradually, as the years go on, I understand

the vani is Srila Prabhupada. I'm somewhat more

satisfied, although I'm sure if I had the opportunity

I would still be diving at his lotus feet and saying,

"Take me with you." But we have this responsibility,

regardless of our feelings of separation in ISKCON. In

all circumstances, just keep on, keep on printing,

keep on distributing, keep on building, and keep on

working together, just so we can massage the

transcendental body of Srila Prabhupada all together.

Each one of us is taking a portion of his body and

massaging it so that he'll be satisfied and

comfortable. Somebody is massaging Srila Prabhupada in

this way, somebody in that way, but as long as it's

all pleasing Srila Prabhupada, that should be our

whole pleasure.

 

-- Harikesa Swami

 

Harikesa Swami, lecture.

 

- From the Prabhupada Nectar by HH Satsvarupa dasa

Goswami Maharaj

 

 

 

 

_________

Too much spam in your inbox? Mail gives you the best spam protection for

FREE! http://uk.mail.