only the lonely....

[Guest guest]

Dear Shri Das,

 

I'm Married (getting my tar beaten out in the bargain),

Financially secure (holding onto a sinking business, and a line of

creditors that could make the Barclays Bank Scandal look like a line

to buy peppermints), Happy, (Shoah, when you have anvils resting on

your toes, the smiling kinda grimace is only natural), I don't feel

lonely, ever, because no one trusts me for beyond the time I can take

a leak (aaahhhh.... privacy).

 

WAIT, BEFORE YOU HIT THE DELETE KEY.......

 

Das, its true you live in isolation, but have you seriously

considered the pros? You have absolute silence which you can enjoy

till its broken by the sound of a radio or TV set, not voices that

want to get to you and the liberty to order exotic pineapple pizzas

with mustard and red chillies on top (or suchlike) all by yourself,

you have machines that respond to you most of the time when you

switch them on, and they do whatever you tell them to do without

argument, you don't have to worry about pleasing anyone, esp. at the

cost of displeasing any or everyone else, and you are famous for

having written a program that has helped many in the world change

their outlook on life. You have a list of friends and afiocionados

(that includes certified bummers like me). Hey man, personally I

think the only thing that's missing is you need to get schtupped once

in a while, and that's something you can take care of by going out

once in two weeks to your choice of location, (aaah... America the

land of plenty, from a carrot juice type of crowd or a more bucolic

setting, they have it all and boyoboyoboy, do they flaunt it). DO NOT

even consider a long term relationship because it could be

potentially draining on you every which way I can think of. If you

wanna speak to someone, I suggest you try raising a Sulphur Crested

cockatoo (excellently vocally interactive pet) , or a buncha hamsters

(non interactive vocally) (If hamsters, make sure you keep them

separately sexed to prevent attempts at colonization of earth).

 

Finally, if you don't like my cracks at humour ( I knew it, I

knew it, I blew it), buy yourself a bunch of darts, and practice

darting at a photo of Alfred E. Neuman (the MAD magazine guy) who

closely resembles me. Once you get better at tagging me on the noggin

at 30 yards, join a darting club, and bingo, you'll never be lonely.

Remember, alone you stand tall, with too many emotional strings you

crumple.

At this stage, you may banish the mail for eternity, in full and

complete satisfaction that you have just witnessed the rantings of a

kook you havent even met or for that matter know.

 

Your Fan,

 

The Spook.

 

p.s.: The rest of the list is not encouraged to lynch me on this one,

please!!!