Solutions out of reach

[Guest guest]

When I try to think of solutions, like, go to a store which is lively, and

set up a booth in the corner with owners permission, for doing free charts

maybe, and just say positive things, and be lively and bubbly, I think, OK,

that could work, I'll make friends, but the fact is, that as I see the

woman, who listen then walk away, and who never call, I will suffer extreme

inner pain, which I'll take home, and which will make me cry. If I reach out

to them, they ALWAYS reject me, never call, use excuses, look at me funny. I

obviously don't know how to "do it right", hence I think I'm autistic.

 

These days you can buy a shotgun easily. You can saw all the barrel also

easily. Take it to the woods, and blow your brain via your mouth sky high. I

saw a picture of a guy who did this- nothing above the top lip remained.

Pretty total. End of problem.

 

The pain is great. 8 years of trying to figure it out. 8 years of pain and

longing. So many recommendations. No humans in my life. I can't believe we

are to be so alone. They tell me I'm loveable, but I"m alone. It's so hard.

I should'nt write this but I am overly compelled to say something.

 

Please forgive me. I have to write or do something. The quiet and lack of

possibilities or answers is knawing away at me, day after day.

 

One day they'll realize that some people need another to be their leader,

guide, whatever, their balance, their mast, their rudder. THey'll realize

it's a condition that some have. It will be too late for me. I didn't get

it. Nobody was there to do it. I was wasted, allowed to go to waste, despite

whatever gifts I have left to offer.

 

Don't get freaked out in writing back. I probably won't buy a shotgun

anytime soon. I will continue to sit in a mess, drink, empty fridge, cry,

wander around, collapse on bed, check email hoping for answers, hope that

something happens, nothing will, one day, one day, one day, end it.