Guest guest Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Dear quiet world, Last few days, a big breakthrough for me, as I am actually programming again. I can¹t quite believe it. It¹s hard. Very hard. But I am doing it. I am actually working on JS3. I do love it so. I have so much done in it which is so beautiful. I simply must finish it. I cannot believe that I am in a quiet world so alone. I talk to people, but cannot reach them. Mostly I am alone in a room. I cry a lot. It¹s how I let out the pain. The regular things of life are not interesting. Nothing much is. Thank heavens Jyotish is at least a bit amazing, being completely cosmic. Biographies make me cry. The real lives of real people who struggled. I saw one on Veronica Querin, a journalist in Ireland who fought the drug lords and died doing it. Then, Ernest Hemingway, who I can really identify with. I know we all have our pains, and many, so much worse than mine on the surface. But yet, it¹s amazing, mine feels so intense. So very intense. I cannot quite believe I did all that I¹ve done to end up alone, crying, with nothing to do but hard work, for which I am thanked, oh yes, but that is nothing. There is no people. I cannot bear people who are not interesting, and I can¹t find any around me to be with meaningfully. There¹s no point in going anywhere. The only thing that seems meaningful is working alone, and yet, it¹s so very lonely and thus painful. Anyway, I¹m OK. I¹m not crying this out. I¹m not complaining, as it were. I Œm sharing. I just gotta talk to somebody, so I talk to this list. I can¹t believe how little you all talk. You barely ever post. 1000 rs? Bull. Nobody ever talks hardly. And usually nothing with any guts or sweat or blood. Dry dry. Hmmm. I find life to be like a prison sentence. I promised Lord Jesus to help his mission when I was five. Is that what caused this? Is that how it goes when you care about ³helping². My so called best friend says my desire to help, to serve, is all bullshit. That person basically doesn¹t believe in that Jupiter impulse. Chakrapani says we Jupiter strong in the trine people want our lives to matter. Yes, I do. But my best friend says that¹s BS, so I avoid that friend, but it¹s my only best friend. Darn. Life can be hell when you feel. Some manic said ³Art is emotional, and who better to express it therefore than those who are highly emotional². Well said. But what a sentence, contstant feeling with no rest. Exciting, painful. I try talking to real people here, and they look at me like I¹m weird, which I am, I guess, so I leave and go home, to be alone, where there¹s plenty to do, but also the pain of knowing that I am seemingly going to die in this room alone. Don¹t know if this is stupid to do, again, but I am drawn to speak. Another going to bed alone without speaking seems unbearable. Writing this to a quiet unresponsive world is only slightly less unbearable. The same few responses I always get no longer do anything, and seem therefore pointless. I know some appreciate it. It changes nothing for me. I cannot believe I¹m working, but not only that, I¹m COMPLETELY free from the vices I¹ve lived with for years and years. I cannot believe that. I¹m clean again. By my calcs (parallax and 0443 am birth) I am already in Mercury dasha, which makes sense, as everything is changing. During the WHOLE of Saturn dasha, for the last 19 years, I smoked off and on. But no more. No more pot, alchohol, and I¹m reducing the meds. This is unbelievable good news. I just hate that I have enemies who take these posts and store them to use against me. Yes, that¹s true. Unbelievable but true. I can¹t stand the thought. But I can¹t let that silence me. This list is my night time phone call to a friends ear now and then. With every other ear I know I have to filter or tolerate something I can¹t tolerate. I guess that¹s my fault. Anyway, at least now, it is so clear to me that there is nowhere to go anymore, nothing to hope for, noting to seek or find, in this quiet world. So there¹s nothing but the work. And I won¹t run, so there¹s no substances to take. Only quiet, healthy living, alone, crying, and working, and trying to go on like that. That¹s my life. I see no other options. Fun? Doesn¹t exist for me for a long time. Don¹t bullshit me with that. Meditation, prayer, faith, don¹t bullshit me with that either. That¹s where I¹m at. It¹s quiet, it¹s void, it¹s empty. I don¹t find that unholy or awful, I just find that I wanted something, which doesn¹t exist. The problem is in me, not the quiet zero world which is all there is when you¹re smart, when you see through the maya. Well, off to bed. Zero man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Dear Zero man, Do not you know there is always someone looking at you......to learn,to gain, to find answers to his questions. How can he leave you alone. meditation ,prayer, faith...........bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right... but what about him who just stands with curious eyes. But rightly said............a quiet world.The world quietly looks at the giver as well as at the crying one. "I promised Lord Jesus to help his mission when I was five."........so true....the child is so pure ,so pure that he can change the world.... I was a child when seeing an article on poverty and all....i cried ...i cried my whole existence and made a promise to work,to create.Now I always have a reason to live,to work,to go beyond my limitations for that child.....because NO MEDITATION,NO PRAYER,NO FAITH made me purer than the one whom i found in myself at that promise.......................................Oh it was GOD only crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I try talking to real people here, and they look at me like I¹m weird, which I am, I guess, so I leave and go home, to be alone..."".........................because now i have puzzled myself with my loneliness. i find real people to talk but they can't understand...because they want me like them. but Astounding is their life of bright nights ..........And they have puzzled themselves in their world of friends and materials......will i find shelter in them??? "The same few responses I always get no longer do anything, and seem therefore pointless. I know some appreciate it. It changes nothing for me..."....Oh Rick.......!!!!!!! May you never get satisfaction in responses,books or any talks......because your loneliness always comes up with something new............as far as i know.your pain is also a clue to something.(I am talking peronally). But I wish good friends for you . "The problem is in me, not the quiet zero world which is all there is when you¹re smart, when you see through the maya."............................. One small poem for you........................... This world of pressure and influence full of souls mourning for importance where enticement derives the action and relations being the slaves of attraction Everyone complaining for true love But lust has gone all above Carrying over superficial emotions No one even needs your devotions But one still ardent for the truth >From curroption whose heart is untampered Free from jealousy and hatered such a person is always prefered With all the qualities of a devil And all that of Supreme One is composed in some proportion having their own regime Just trying to alter this proportion To let good qualities increase their contribution What else we can do Can i expect same from you On the way................ Amit. Das Goravani <> wrote: Dear quiet world, Last few days, a big breakthrough for me, as I am actually programming again. I can¹t quite believe it. It¹s hard. Very hard. But I am doing it. I am actually working on JS3. I do love it so. I have so much done in it which is so beautiful. I simply must finish it. I cannot believe that I am in a quiet world so alone. I talk to people, but cannot reach them. Mostly I am alone in a room. I cry a lot. It¹s how I let out the pain. The regular things of life are not interesting. Nothing much is. Thank heavens Jyotish is at least a bit amazing, being completely cosmic. Biographies make me cry. The real lives of real people who struggled. I saw one on Veronica Querin, a journalist in Ireland who fought the drug lords and died doing it. Then, Ernest Hemingway, who I can really identify with. I know we all have our pains, and many, so much worse than mine on the surface. But yet, it¹s amazing, mine feels so intense. So very intense. I cannot quite believe I did all that I¹ve done to end up alone, crying, with nothing to do but hard work, for which I am thanked, oh yes, but that is nothing. There is no people. I cannot bear people who are not interesting, and I can¹t find any around me to be with meaningfully. There¹s no point in going anywhere. The only thing that seems meaningful is working alone, and yet, it¹s so very lonely and thus painful. Anyway, I¹m OK. I¹m not crying this out. I¹m not complaining, as it were. I Œm sharing. I just gotta talk to somebody, so I talk to this list. I can¹t believe how little you all talk. You barely ever post. 1000 rs? Bull. Nobody ever talks hardly. And usually nothing with any guts or sweat or blood. Dry dry. Hmmm. I find life to be like a prison sentence. I promised Lord Jesus to help his mission when I was five. Is that what caused this? Is that how it goes when you care about ³helping². My so called best friend says my desire to help, to serve, is all bullshit. That person basically doesn¹t believe in that Jupiter impulse. Chakrapani says we Jupiter strong in the trine people want our lives to matter. Yes, I do. But my best friend says that¹s BS, so I avoid that friend, but it¹s my only best friend. Darn. Life can be hell when you feel. Some manic said ³Art is emotional, and who better to express it therefore than those who are highly emotional². Well said. But what a sentence, contstant feeling with no rest. Exciting, painful. I try talking to real people here, and they look at me like I¹m weird, which I am, I guess, so I leave and go home, to be alone, where there¹s plenty to do, but also the pain of knowing that I am seemingly going to die in this room alone. Don¹t know if this is stupid to do, again, but I am drawn to speak. Another going to bed alone without speaking seems unbearable. Writing this to a quiet unresponsive world is only slightly less unbearable. The same few responses I always get no longer do anything, and seem therefore pointless. I know some appreciate it. It changes nothing for me. I cannot believe I¹m working, but not only that, I¹m COMPLETELY free from the vices I¹ve lived with for years and years. I cannot believe that. I¹m clean again. By my calcs (parallax and 0443 am birth) I am already in Mercury dasha, which makes sense, as everything is changing. During the WHOLE of Saturn dasha, for the last 19 years, I smoked off and on. But no more. No more pot, alchohol, and I¹m reducing the meds. This is unbelievable good news. I just hate that I have enemies who take these posts and store them to use against me. Yes, that¹s true. Unbelievable but true. I can¹t stand the thought. But I can¹t let that silence me. This list is my night time phone call to a friends ear now and then. With every other ear I know I have to filter or tolerate something I can¹t tolerate. I guess that¹s my fault. Anyway, at least now, it is so clear to me that there is nowhere to go anymore, nothing to hope for, noting to seek or find, in this quiet world. So there¹s nothing but the work. And I won¹t run, so there¹s no substances to take. Only quiet, healthy living, alone, crying, and working, and trying to go on like that. That¹s my life. I see no other options. Fun? Doesn¹t exist for me for a long time. Don¹t bullshit me with that. Meditation, prayer, faith, don¹t bullshit me with that either. That¹s where I¹m at. It¹s quiet, it¹s void, it¹s empty. I don¹t find that unholy or awful, I just find that I wanted something, which doesn¹t exist. The problem is in me, not the quiet zero world which is all there is when you¹re smart, when you see through the maya. Well, off to bed. Zero man vote. - Register online to vote today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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