What should I do, as if I could

[Guest guest]

Lets see, to get up, I roll onto the floor, then slowly get on all four,

then slowly one foot, then the other, then slowly stand. House a mess,

couldn¹t care less, don¹t misunderstand typing as energy for me, can do it

without even thinking, as that¹s what I¹ve done since high school, typed,

typed, typed.

 

OK, so I can barely function right now. Thinking about mutilation. Sticking

pins into myself. Done it before. ³That¹ll wake you up in the morning².

 

Thinking of going to the Church, talk to the priest, but I don¹t believe in

his God. But at least he¹s used to hearing problems.

 

The crisis center does no good, as they have no supply of ready wives to

hand out. Only stupid preaching. Heard plenty of that over ten years.

 

Called daughter. She wouldn¹t come over. I think I freak her out.

 

Son can¹t. Just can¹t. Too young and immature to handle me.

 

That¹s it. Nobody else.

 

This stupid list that hardly responds. One woman did, who gets it,

privately, and that was helpful, at least she gets it. What lonliness is,

when it¹s STRONG.

 

Could fall on my dirk. Place it on my heart, then fall on it. Plunging it

through the heart and chest. It¹s VERY sharp and pointy.

 

Date lines, chat lines, conferences, begging, pleading, even a poster all

over eugene, asking friends, going to parties, nothing has worked.

 

Oh but I¹m so good looking, talented, etc., big *ucking deal, seems no local

woman wants me.

 

I¹d pop into form. I¹d be so happy. But it doesn¹t happen. Just stares of

pity and sorrow is about all I get.

 

I hate this life since Œ94

 

HATE IT.

 

Bernadette? Hah. What a joke. Can you spell ³Made everything worse²

 

A married, venusian heiress without a care for what I wanted. Never lived

with me. Never married me. I divorced for her. She didn¹t return the favor.

 

 

Ree MacQuoid