Today's Depression Rant

[Guest guest]

Condition: Up since 1 AM, jiggling, usually shaking on bed in fetal pos. wishing

there was a way to end this pain and lonliness.

So now it’s 8 AM. Time to type reflections.

I wish I had real friends here. The kind that are loving and kind. I

don’t. I have an acquaintance and my real friend is being prevented from

seeing me by another. My one. So now I’m down to oh yeah, my one other.

So I have one. Shiza. Not Good.

I have to call a friend in Europe just to talk to someone. Can you believe that?

It hurts.

I went to the Irish jam, it’s so packed that you can’t get it, and

then it’s full of egos even bigger than mine so...had to leave. No luck.

No joy. No friends. Never.

Nobody wants to hear from us, from those in pain. They want us to go away, or

just be quiet behind a closed door. I am so worth something. Why doesn’t

anybody want me?

When my little granddaughter it waking up each day, I can hold her and she flops

on me, half asleep. Holding her is so nice, such a loving flop...such a

dependent complete flop upon my chest and shoulder, asleep, loves me.

That’s what I want. A lot of hugging, and trust, and the quiet times

together, the night, the morning, the love.

But rather what I have is lonliness. I am a good person. Why doesn’t

somebody want me. Why am I being wasted? I never wanted anything but to help

the world situation. I devoted my life to it so long ago. Everybody mundane

is boring to me. I am a missionary or government leader type. Why is it like

this for me? What the heck is going on.

I hate this pain. This lonliness. This depression.

Can’t someone tell someone in Eugene to care about me?

I want to make things. I need help. I need someone to know me and care about me

and love me. Aren’t I worth that? Aren’t I interesting and

handsome? Aren’t I experienced and travelled, can provide, unless this

dieing off continues, which a spouse,partner, lover, wife, best friend,

soulmate, would stop, easily, with loves touch.

I’m sorry to anyone I’ve hurt. I’m sorry to any woman

I’ve hurt or I should say THE woman I’ve hurt.

Now the crying has started.

Will I ever see an end to this, or will I die with it? Will I ever be loved, or

I am meant to be curled up in a position of sorrow forever? What will happen

today? Another day of pain, like yesterday, and the day before? And before?

Etc...

I am writing HERE because like I said, I don’t have anybody else who

isn’t completely sick of listening to me or can’t do anything and I

just bum them out.

God this is a trap, a circle that never ends. I want to work. I want this TO END!

Thanks

Rick MacQuoid das (AT) goravani (DOT) com

AIM: ROIKMACKAI IM: das_goravani

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