That was then

January 18, 2006

Back then, I had a wife, who did all the small stuff.

I made the big stuff, which included software and our money.

Then there was B, and she did the same thing, pretty much.

I’ve never had to cook for myself. Live alone. Cry like this.

I can make bigger things, and always have.

I was helped, by a partner, but no more, for so long.

It’s just so hard to even cook, to eat, and I whither.

It’s so hard to believe I will live to the point of finding love.

I don’t think I will. I think I am withering.

To start all over, running, eating, working, just to qualify?

To make the mirage complete for an average woman?

Where is my woman who already gets it, and isn’t 10 yrs on.

There’s a point where the drowning beast gives up.

At that point you feel so tired. I feel so tired.

Gaelic songs give me some happiness, so pretty, so pretty.

I only have one local friend to call. Then after that I cry. Alone. Fear.

I am trying to get up and better, but it’s not working.

I have no more faith or hope in any healers.

I believe it is caused by me, by my unique relationship with life.

With people, with religion, with spirit, India, sex, woman, family, duties.

It has to do with everything. It is my sum total. My Net.

So fragile, need exercise, can barely move.

One woman who is insightful told me I am like a King now forced to be normal,

and really, need helpers to get it all done. Yeah. Something like that.

At least eating and not being so alone would be good.

Thanks

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