suicide danger (part 1) :(

[Guest guest]

Dear devotees and friends,

please accept my humble obeisances.

All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

 

It's difficult for me to write this letter, and the beginning is the

most uneasy part. I'm not used to exposing my inner feelings to public,

ordinary I just work with them diving deep in my conchshell, but maybe it

is the only way which could change my life. It is said in scriptures that

revealing own mind to other vaisnavas is beneficial, so although I'm still

not sure what will come out of it, I wrote to my best friend, and we

decided that it will be not so bad idea... During some last years I have

a difficult period in my life, all kinds of troubles and miseries were

hitting my head, that now I have discovered a desire to commit suicide and

get rid of this pain. Presently the desire is not so strong that it would

lead to an action, but presence of this desire worries me. I'm sorry that I

take your attention to my ego, but maybe studing of my case will help in

preventing suicide desires of others. I'll not mention most of the names,

because some of them would get an impression that I'm blaming them - no, my

goal of writing this is not to blame anybody.

 

Well, I never before tried to make suicide and I always was against

suicides. So far my emotional and mental state is stable as usually, and

the existance of this sinful desire I've found after I started deeply

analize my consciousness. But maybe first I should tell you from historical

point of view, how it developed. I'll try to explain everything as

objective as much as I can, and I will not pity myself.

 

In my childhood I was a joyful child, with good imagination, and a

mood of adventurer , my family wasn't rich, I could even say poor and mom

and dad were industrial workers. Well, they were not spoiling me, and they

(and my grandma) brought up me well. Unfortunatelly, occasionaly, I was a

witness and many times was a victim of domistic violence, caused by my

dad's addiction to alcohol. So sometimes I really hated my dad, and was

afraid of him, especially because my mom was scaring me, telling that "now

your dad will come here and will punish you." So she developed a fear of my

father in me, and who knows maybe if I didn't have this fear, our relations

with him would be much better. After all, he was an ordinary man,

conditioned by three modes of material nature, and not a supernatural

monster. Anyway, I have to repeat, they brought me up well, I developed

many good qualities, I valued honesty, friendship, kindness, respect to

older people. I never smoked or drank alcohol in my life. Very early I

became an idealist. Also early I learned to read, and I reading books

quickly became my best hobby, overstepping a craving for games with little

soldiers and constructing castles. When I was 7 years old, I went to

school, and truly speaking, I quickly became one of the best students

there. Especially my talents were focused on mathematics, history and

athletics, and later on computers and biology. But my discipline wasn't

good there, I wasn't fond of all strict rules at school, and with my

friends we've doing running challenged and many wild games.

 

After my gradma's death (I loved her a lot) when I was about twelve or

thirteen I started seriously think about the meaning of life, about

eternity and about God. I read all books, which I could get on this matter,

including some short version of Bible, and issues in scientific magazine

"Science and Religion". After 1987 in our country (USSR) started a period

of glasnost, a raise of human rights and religious freedom. Once in summer

of 1990 I first met devotees of ISKCON. It was some public lecture about

"highest yoga", so it immediately attracted me. I bought Srila Prabhupada

books (my first books were Easy Jorney and Sri Isopanisad, and later

Bhagavad-Gita), and reading them changed my life. Although I was just a

teen then (15 years old), I started to visit local preaching center often,

practically immideately accepted 4 regs., and after about one month I

became actively participate in preaching functions of the center (too fast,

I know, but I guess in that time it wasn't unusual picture).

 

So when I had a free time of school I was running to the center,

helping devotees in cleaning, preparing prasadam, and especially book

distribution. My parents were of course shocked and very angry on me and on

ISKCON. I passed a period of calling them demons, denouncing from them, and

other crazy and fanatical things. I have to apologize to them for all pain,

which I caused. They tried their best in converting me into atheism, but I

was stubborn teen, and all the presure which was used on me maybe made me

feel like a christian martyr. I have to say, that preaching in our center

in that wild time was not completely identical with Prabhupada's teachings.

There were many New Age ideas, 'paranormal' news, clairvoyance revelations,

some parts of philosophy of other traditions. Sunday Programmes were

attracting a lot of people, and among them were many 'stange' persons, whom

I saw just once, but nevertheless they tried to convince me to leave my

school, etc. Thanks God that I had some intelligence to not listen to such

'good' advices, anyway I liked to study at school, at least at that time.

But 'official' preaching was also in an 'renounced surrendering' mood, so

my life priorities were shifted and my attention to education seriously

decreased. Still I tried to combine my education with temple service. Well,

truly speaking, I've got a lot of adventures at that time. Other devotees

were mainly friendly toward me, although they didn't like that I annoyed

them with too many questions. I traveled a lot in Ukraine, visiting other

temples where gurus were coming, distributing books, speaking with other

people, explaining them basics of a philosophy of Krishna Consciousness,

expaning my own knowledge and experience.

 

I have to say, my early fanatism leaded to some consequences - a

process of alienation started. Gradually all my friends and relatives

(exept close) were getting more and more distant from me. A change of

culture also did an impact. I couldn't no longer visit their parties with

meat and alcohol preparations, I preached to them when they tried to

re-convince me, on birthdays I was making presents of Prabhupada books. It

was quite heavy, but I was firm in my beliefs, and till some degree it was

inavoidable. Amongst local devotees in that time there were very few teens,

and mostly my vaisnava friends were adults. You probably know that it's

nice to have grown-up friends, but... something very important is missing.

You cannot be completely free in your communications, because they look

haughtily on your 'childish' needs, and they always trying to instruct you.

Such an artificial isolation resulted in decreasing my ability of easy

communication with people. I'm still happy when I have a nice comminication

with somebody, but many times I feel like Monte-Christo or Robinson Crusoe.

 

After about 2 years of book distribution, I have graduated a school,

and decided to get a higher education. After passing examinations I was

accepted in Nikolaev Agrocultural Institute, to become an agronomist.

First time everything seemed fine, I was putting endevour in studing, and

getting good marks, but then something has broken. As I tried to distribute

my strength on education, on family affairs, on high personal sadhana, on

volonteer work for the temple, I strained myself too much, and soon I've

got problems in all above mentioned. My father died. I stopped chanting 16

rounds, neglected my education, very rarely visited the temple, and spended

anormous amount of time on computer games. But I didn't bloop I still

considered myself as a devotee, and Krishna as my Lord. In that time the

situation in the temple changed quite much. New temple president took a

charge of community, some of my devotee friends left Nikolaev to other

cities, and the preaching became more strict and relations between devotees

more intolerant. A cult of 'brahmacari' started, and very soon followed a

cult of 'authority' (Actually, it was always there, but not so brightly

manifested). Morning lectures in the temple became a podium for mockery and

spiritual abuse of devotees, especially grihasthas. Householders were

blamed in all possible sins and impurities, so the number of congregational

members very decreased, many people left ISKCON, and even those who left

suffered a lot.

 

So after 1 year I quit the Institute, and started to work as computer

assisatant in computer labs. I tried to improve my spiritual progress

with little success, and then it came an idea about moving to another

 

country and serve there in a temple. Maybe you know, maybe not, but it is

extremely difficult to move to another country from Ukraine. First it's

very hard to get a visa, especially for long period of time. Foreign

countries don't welcome Russians, even if they are not Russians, but

Ukrainians. And there is no agreements, similar to Schengen group. And in

Ukraine the salary is so low that you have to work several years on very

good job to collect money, which would cover your travel expenses. Yeah, we

are pretty isolated in this relation too. I and some other devotees decided

to try first with Bhaktivedanta Manor. Failed - an invitation letter came

too late, so embassy didn't accepted it. Then New Mayapura, France - also

failed. Then Almviks Gard, Sweden. Well, it took 11 months (can you

imagine?) to get visas there. But we've got a 1 year visas. So I borrowed

money, and we travelled there - first from Kiev to Warsaw, from Warsaw to

Gdansk, from Gdansk on a ferry to Sweden.

 

 

 

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