suicide danger (part 2) :(

[Guest guest]

So in the December of 1995 we came to Almviks Gard. Personally, I

liked Sweden as a country. There so many lakes, forests, clean air, what

you can hardly find in the south of Ukraine. People are more polite,

economic is much more advanced and stable, general athmosphere is more

peaceful. But we lived in the temple, so things were different. First

exitements passed after a couple of days, and we had to start working for

the temple. In the temple's kitchen devotees were producing cookies and

distributed them for 20 kronas in Sodertalje and Stockholm. So we were

assigned roles of cookies distributors, and tried to sell them to people.

Swedish winter is much colder than Ukrainian winter, and my clothes didn't

protect me well, so when I was standing near some shopping center and

offering packages to people, I was freezing like anything. One day devotees

forgot to pick me up, I was waiting till the night, and decided that if

I'll stay there, I could freeze till death, so I attempted to find the way

back. Luckyly, one grhastha was coming home late, so he picked me up to the

temple, otherwise I would have to walk three or more hours late night,

being even unsure whether I go right way. I didn't had any experience or

knowledge how to sell such things, and although I tried my best my face was

really unhappy, therefore results were not so good. My friends were

grihasthas, and either didn't get good results, one of them got sick, so

they tried to arrange with our manager that they will find some other job.

The manager didn't like this idea, blamed and offended them. Soon they left

Almvik, and now I was the only Russian there.

 

Why Russian if I was Ukrainian? Because there 'Russian' was not used

to specify nationality, but a lower human class. First time I was a

withness of racism in ISKCON, and I could even experience it on my own

skin. When I was speaking with Russian devotees in Korsnas, NE-BBT, they

confirmed this. In Sweden there were many devotees, who came from

ex-Yugoslavia, and they were considered as a lower class (jokes about

'yugo-slaves'), and Russians were considered even more lower. Russians and

Yugos were used on most heavy and exhaustive jobs, in kitchens, in

construction etc. Of course, not all devotees shared such attitude, but

there were quite many 'high class' devotees, especially in management. On

one hand, my manager used to constantly remind me that I'm 'just a

Russian', and on other hand, I could feel indirectly an attitude towards me

of some other devotees. The root of this hostility is a fear certainly.

Before they become devotees, they developed such kind of fear, and after

they preserved it alas. My manager did many abusive things not only in

relation to me, but to many devotees in the Almvik community, even with

Swedes. But by some unknown reason, no one seemed tried to stop him. Maybe

it was because he was a skilled manager and twice-initiated, maybe he

scared everyone in the village, or maybe it was because he was a close

friend to local GBC, I don't know. But I again got caught in a cult of

'authority'.

 

So as I distributed cookies, results started getting better, but it

was still not satisfactory. I still had a dept to pay for my travel, and

I've got in contact with devotees from a small restaurant, they proposed me

to move there, work, and get about 100 USD a month. I agreed, and talked to

my manager. Boy, he got extremely angry on me and I really got a psychic

shock after his rage. He blamed me in all possible sins, and demanded a

financial compensation for feeding me and others during 1 month, and said

that he will throw me out of country, and never let me go and serve in any

other temple or project. I went with stunning head back to room, and prayed

to Krishna that whatever will happen I'll accept as His mercy. However,

next day he called and said that he spoke with other village board members,

so I will work now in the kitchen, and if I'll work a whole, they will pay

my dept (120 USD) for travel, and for my personal needs I'll get about 30

USD in month. Very generous, isn't it? But my main motivation of travel to

Sweden was not to earn money. I wanted to give as much as possible for the

mission, and to make a spiritual progress. So I worked a whole year in the

Deity kitchen, as a potwasher, 7 hours a day without any days-off. In

Sundays there was a big Sunday feast, so I had a double work then. Well, it

was not so easy job, as you may think. First my hands, because of

constant contact with water and washing chemicals, dried, got covered with

cracks and started bleeding. Second, in the kitchen devotees cooked

cookies, and they used some strange recipe, which included ammonium

substance, and when they were putting cookies in the oven and going away, I

was standing near, washing pots, and breathing air enriched by ammiak (or

whatever you call it), so my eyes were getting wet and red (one time I

was afraid to loose eyesight, but luckily it didn't happen), my head ached

and my lungs became really weakened. "Good day, sir, we are selling

ecological cookies. They are very tasty, please take one".

 

Well, there were also many positive sides of my secluded life there. I

met there quite some nice people among devotees and got good friends, also

there was some youth in the village. My sadhana improved a lot, despite of

my exhaust I did find a time for regular reading books, and every morning I

was attentively listened present on morning class. Thus I expanded my

knowledge of sastras, and gained many good realizations. I also every week

was going on harinams and lectures in Korsnas. Unfortunately, there was no

specialized education neither spiritual nor professional. Only one devotee,

whom I'm very grateful, by his own initiative, ran a short version of

Bhakta Programme course for me and two other bhaktas. When I had some free

time, I walked in the forest or rowed a boat in the lake, sometimes

visiting my friends, chatting about everything in the world.

 

Day by day, my year came to an end, and the manager offered me two

choises: to get out of Almvik back to Ukraine or continue serve as I

served, washing pots. I wasn't surprised by his words, I knew that he will

be very happy to just kick me out, 'cause although I did my best in my

duties, I never flattened him or tried to 'satisfy the authority first', as

some well-wishers adviced me. In one sense, he helped me to become more

fixed and stable in a service, to get rid of some laziness, but one after

short time I could continue on my own, and he didn't notice that. He

thought that I still need his constant pushes and kicks. Anyway, so I

choosed freedom.

 

With peaceful mind I came back to Ukraine, and it took quite some time

to adapt myself to local modes of nature. My friends warmly met me here,

and started telling about my Swedish adventures (I could speak night and

day . I've found that local affairs in ISKCON improved a little bit, in

comparison with Swedish devotees the locals were more simple and more

emotional persons. Most of our devotees till this time are congregational

members, and they formed many active projects - FFL, Nama Hatta

development, public special events, Sunday programmes, etc. Unfortunatelly,

authoritarian style of management still existed and resulted that due

course of time FFL was closed, Nama Hattas freezed in their development,

Sunday programmes became dry and boring, devotees and guest started loose

enthusiam in Krishna consciousness, some even left ISKCON. I again tried

to settle somewhere in the Europe, have found a nice project in Wiesbaden,

but it didn't come good with embassy - they didn't want to give 3-months

visa, so I did some little income selling goods, and then I moved for 3

months to St.Petersburg, Russia, in the end of 1997. There were big

constuction works, govenment gave to ISKCON a huge building for 50-years

symbolic rent, so devotees were doing complete re-construction with temple

needs. There was a bakery, prasadam production line, a restaurant and shop,

enormous temple room with beautiful Deities, spacious brahmacari ashram,

and even there supposed to be many appartments for grhasthas. I worked

there first as usual worker, then as an electician, and after the main

construction works were done I came back, having an arrangement that I'll

work with computers in Goloka TV at Moscow. Well, then came a summer of

1998, Harikesa Swami's crisis, and you know what happened with that

temple and premises. Personally, the crisis shoked me a lot, since I knew

him and liked a lot. I still indepted to him for numerious instructions

and anwers on my questions and bringing so many nice people to Srila

 

Prabhupada movement. I know that many devotees got frustrated and lost

their hope in him, but I still have a firm hope in his recovery, sooner or

later.

 

Since that time I'm living in Nikolaev. Recently I've got an offering

to move to London and continue my service to Srila Prabhupada there, but

because of financial situation, I was not able to travel there. It's very

difficult to find any job here, because Ukraine is experiencing "hidden"

genocide. In according with UN statistics, our country population (about 50

millions) is decreasing every year on 600-700.000 people. Most of the

population are stricken by poverty, average amount of income is about 40

dollars a month, and social pensions are about 20 dollars a month. We are

slowly dying out. Most of industries are stopped, and even those people,

who have some job don't get their salary for months and years. Agriculture

also is not in a good shape, and official mass medias are cheating people,

convincing them that everything is all right, economic is improving and

democratic reforms very soon will change the situation. Now it came to my

mind that some of ISKCON leaders are doing the same politic, telling

members that things are doing well in their areas, and although many

devotees are loosing enthusiasm and leaving IKSCON, this problems are

temporary and very soon we will have a great improvement of the movement.

But if we will close our eyes a situation around us will not improve by

itself, rather because of neglecting our duties and our actions to resist

the enthropy it will become worse, and a burden of problems and troubles

will just rise more and more.

 

 

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