suicide danger (part 3) :(

[Guest guest]

Some months ago I again tried to find a permanent place for residence,

where I could run my devotional service and develop my spiritual

advancement as well as my skills, and seemed I've got a nice arrangement in

London, but.... Again a failure, due to insufficent finances, so I couldn't

even pay my travel, and maybe by this reason, maybe by absence of reliable

e-mail system at that time, our communication was stopped. You may say for

sure, that I could still be engaged in Krishna seva in local temple, but

due to the reasons, mentioned above, till recent time it was practically

impossible. As maybe some of you know, I and two other devotees compliled a

grievance form, where we expressed our complains about TP behaviour,

dissatisfaction by current administrative system, and offered to change it

into more democratic model- we proposed to form new Community Board as a

local ultimate managing authority, on a free voting basis, so that

congregation could elect Board members for one-year period. The temple

could be accepted as a part of community (not that community is submissive

to the temple), and the temple president would be subordinate to the Board.

In any government there is a legislative group and executive group, so the

Board would mainly focus on development of strategy, approve and audit

temple budget and plan of action, develop community and evaluate temple

president; and temple president and his management team would facilitate

all department and supervise temple personnel and implement GBC and Board

strategy. I personally think this style of management would be a good step

towards varnasrama development. So we sended our letters to our local GBC,

but somehow we didn't get replies, and we decided to forward our grievance

form to ISKCON Minister of Justice, and also didn't get replies, and then

we sended a letter to VAD conference (maybe some of you remember it).

Thanks to Sridhara Maharaja, who paid attention to our letter and assisted

in bringing attention of GBC to it, soon we've got a reply from the

Minister of Justice, he asked several questions, and soon after this our

local GBC, Niranjana Swami, he visited our city, changing his schedule

specifially because of our request. He conducted an investigation, and

interviewed us and senior devotees of our community. Unfortunatelly, most

of devotees were not prepared to discuss management systems, and divided

into two groups - one spoke about all accomulated cases of abusive

behaviour of TP, and another was trying to conter them by denying a

presence of authoritarism in community, and defending TP position.

 

So far it is unclear whether our proposal will be accepted or

rejected. In any case, before departure, Niranjana Swami proposed to create

a new council for Sunday Feast programmes, which will take care of these

programmes, and till some extend is independent from TP and temple board (I

also became a member of that council). It just passed a few weeks since

it's establishment, and many things need more attention, but we and other

devotees already have done quite some improvements. Kirtans and bhajans are

more alive, we are taking better care of guests, the organization of

schedule is more stable and non-chaotic. I guess due course of time Sunday

programme may become the most successful local project for inspiring

Krishna consciousness in devotees and common population.

 

The historical part ends here, and now I'll try to write down why this

sinful desire appeared in my mind. Maybe I should divide it into some

sections:

 

1. Absense of firm motivation in my life. I would say that I don't see

my future bright. A perspective to become a future 'nothing' or even to be

somebody's dependant scares me and makes me feel frustration.

2. Absense of varna or occupational duties. Truly saying, many times I

felt sorry about my quit of proffesional education, 'cause I liked to

study, and getting a proffesion would strengthen my social standing. Now I

cannot become a student again, because higher education became very

expensive in our country.

3. Poverty. It's not the most horrible thing, and I could handle it,

living on water and bread, if it would be the only problem. But when it

combines with all other problems, it makes my burden more heavy.

4. Unstable ashrama status. I don't desire to remain brahmacari for

the rest of my life, and practically speaking now I'm 24 and I supposed to

be householder. But present inability to create sufficent support for the

future family needs makes me feel like a defective person. Also, our local

community is not large enough, and finding suitable partner is a heavy

task. Besides, for a person, who was a brahmacari all past life,

arrangement of householder life, beginning from search for partner, is

mostly unknown field of action, where every wrong step would be if not

futile, but wounded.

5. A number of failures. As Srila Prabhupada said, failure is a pillar

of success. And I can easely overcome some failures, but when they become

numerous in one time, it results in a stress, and my mind smashes me,

telling that I'm a loser. You may say that it's good - it develops a

quality of humility, but I'm not a transcendental person yet - so it

develops only gross bodily conceptions.

6. Insufficent spiritual education. In our city actually there is a

training course of Bhakta Program and after some time there will be Bhakti

Sastri. From one hand, that's nice. Many devotees, especially newbies, are

satisfied. However, I'm not attending it, mainly because I don't like a

mechanistical approach, which exists there. You learn so many references

from the sastras, and so on, but when you go out of the temple, it does

very little impact on your practical life. 'Transcendental' philosophy is

standing too far from practical life. You may learn from teachings of

Prahlada Maharaja that there enemies in material world, but your own mind.

Nevertheless, you keep discriminate even local devotees on friends and

enemies. I've personally seen as duplicity develops in some devotees. Maybe

I'm wrong, but I see it and I don't want such education.

7. A lack of friends. As I wrote before, I have some good friends, but

it's just a few of them here, and most are very far from my location.

Especially I'm lacking friends of the same age range with me. I have to

admit sometimes I was getting envous to gurukula alumnis, 'cause they

always have many friends.

 

These are the reasons, what I could consider as the main reasons,

which are forming suicide desire in me. I have to repeat again, that this

desire is just tiny and hidden, and it will not lead to actions so far.

What I fear - it is appearance of anger, delusion and loss of common sense

and intelligence, which could result in any violent actions toward others.

I don't want anyone to suffer because of me, and will not let it happen,

so if the suicide will be the only way to stop it, I'll use it.

 

I still need your help, oh merciful vaisnavas, your advices and

consulting. I bring my apologizes to anyone, who felt offended by my

letter. As you could understand, I'm not claiming myself as a person with

only good qualities, I'm just a conditioned soul with a lot of bad

qualities, but I'm changing.

 

Sorry that it took so much of your time to read all this.

 

Your servant and friend,

Oleg.

 

 

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