Linda -thanks

May 18, 2006

Dear Linda,

Reading your letter reinforces that which I strive towards... to follow the path shown by the Guru, keep your faith, perform your duties truthfully, do not worry so much about the results, surrender yourself and things will fall in place.

Your success towards attaining this against many odds, is inspiring.

Love and Peace,

Jai Ma!!

Neelima

nierika (AT) aol (DOT) com wrote:

Dear Maa,

Thank you for this wonderful story and for asking us to think about it and respond. In many ways, it mirrors the stories of the lives of other Sacred Ones who have walked the earth...a birth longed for, prayed for, and then when hope seems gone, the gift is given and the baby comes into being; a tendency for this child to be introspective, involved in and longing for things of the spirit and not the usual childhood toys and games; a strong desire to live the life of a mendicant. But Bidayabati understood the life her son was born to live, and only asked that he remain until she died, which he did. And then he went off to realize his Self.

We are constantly giving birth. My own daughter is 37 now, but I have given birth to a great number of situations and objects (what Swamiji calls the ocean of objects and relationships). Some have brought me joy; some sorrow; some a kind of inexplicable peace. Where is the difference? If I look back at my own life, I can see a difference when I find acceptance for situations as they are, when I have no ego involvement in the outcome, or when I am called so strongly by the need to serve that this outweighs everything else, even ego/nonego.

In my story, my relatives have set me free. I did not ask this of them, and it has been a very painful path. I'm not sure I'm entirely through it, yet even though they do not expect it of me, I still do my best to "behave well." (This is a phrase coined by one of my therapists ... to always behave well, no matter what is going on with other people. Very much like Swamiji pointing his finger at me and saying, "Nothing is worth upsetting your peace of mind.") So when I sent my mother flowers for mother's day, and called her on the phone the next day, she cried. She had expected me to, at the most send her an email card. Well, because they have let me go (which at the time felt a bit more like being thrown overboard), it has been difficult between us. But I realized that honoring my mother, whether she expects it of me or not, is honoring my Mother, is honoring mySelf, is honoring God/dess.

I am still looking for the freedom in my illness. It has taken away from me the ability to work at a job; it has limited many of the activities through which I identified myself and even found a relationship to the Sacred ... my art, my music. Now I can't sing. I can only croak. Usually, I'm not very happy about this, but just now it makes me smile. I always knew the music was never "mine," but something that God/dess allowed to flow through me. So, instead, ... I have more time; lots of time. And yet, the time that I have is constrained by the symptoms of my illness.

There is a part of me that says, "Linda, you know this is a gift; you are being given time you wouldn't have had, to learn what it is to live a more spiritual life." And there is a part of me that stomps my foot and goes to the corner and cries. Well, I believe I am beginning to see which aspect of this personality is getting the upper hand, because it is like I spoke of the EMS sankalpa ... for the first time in my life I have experienced the difficulty and the joy of having a daily spiritual practice. I know that compared to what some others are able to do, what I am doing is small potatos ... but add some peas and some curry, and maybe a little tofu ... and one is very well fed.

When I move from the trailer into my house, I will be able to have an altar again. It has been so long, and I have longed for it as Bidayabati longed for her son. I mean, I have really looooooooooged for it. Now I see this will happen and I marvel. Durga gave me strength and Maa gave me compassion, and there was something healed in my relationship with my birth mother that allows this now to manifest. There is also a huge backyard, so I have visions of homas dancing in my head. But the lesson I have thus far learned from my illness, which is similar, I believe to what Trailinga Swami showed so wonderfully in respecting his mother's wishes, is patience. I will keep doing the EMS sankalpa, and maybe one day, I will again be able to do one of the beginner pujas. It is all baby steps for me now, where I used to leap and bound, but as long as I am a baby in the arms of the Divine Mother, then I am content even to crawl. Jai Maa ~ Linda

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