Guest guest Posted February 27, 2001 Report Share Posted February 27, 2001 > > > 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. > 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. > 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. > 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. > 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? > 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. > 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when > you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? > 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone > going faster is a maniac? > 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day > when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. > 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every > other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the > locks, they are always locking three of them. > 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental > illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be > you. > 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got > a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your > biggest problem. > 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you > it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, > but I only have photographs of her on the wall. > 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and > said,"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't > know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." > 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the > Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult > Bookstore. > > ---- > > THIS WAS FORWARDED FROM A GUY IN AUSTRALIA. > > Hi Yanks, > > I thought you all would like to see the real > figures from Down Under. > > > It has now been 12 months since gun owners in > Australia were forced bynewlaw to surrender 640,381 personal > firearms to be > destroyed by our owngovernment, a program costing Australia > taxpayers > more than $500 million dollars. > > The first year results are now in: > > Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent. Australia-wide, assaults are > up 8.6 percent. > > Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44%).! In > the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 > percent. > > (Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminalsdid > not and criminals still possess their guns!) > > While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed > robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 > months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. > > There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the > elderly. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety > has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in" > successfully ridding Australian society of guns." > > You won't see this data on the American evening news or hear yourgovernor or > members of the state Assembly disseminating this information. The Australian > experience proves it. > > Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property, and, yes, > gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens. > > Take note Americans, before it is too late! > > PLEASE FORWARD TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST! > > > GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't > getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was standing > up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP HEAD". The > officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading > "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.) > BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an > automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the > police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed > photo of Handcuffs. > > BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer > walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet > you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He > replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence > while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his > book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to > start her car for several minutes > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.