Road to romantic ruin is paved with practical gifts

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna.

 

By Dave Barry

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The other day my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up,

and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk

every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we fathers

avoid the subject, because it's so awkward.

The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women.

 

This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father,

who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their

anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and -- yes --

his passion for her: an electric blanket. He honestly could not understand

why, when she opened the box, she gave him that look (you veteran men know

the look I mean). After all, this was the deluxe model electric blanket!

With an automatic thermostat! What more could any woman WANT?

 

Another example: I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas,

gave his wife, for her big gift -- and I am not making this gift up -- a

chain saw. (As he later explained: ``Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.'')

Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his wife unwrapped it.

 

The mistake that George and my dad made, and that many guys make, was

thinking that when you choose a gift for a woman, it should do something

useful. Wrong! The first rule of buying gifts for women is: THE GIFT SHOULD

NOT DO ANYTHING, OR, IF IT DOES, IT SHOULD DO IT BADLY.

 

For example, let's consider two possible gifts, both of which,

theoretically, perform the same function:

 

GIFT ONE: A state-of-the-art gasoline-powered lantern, with electronic

ignition and dual mantles capable of generating 1,200 lumens of light for 10

hours on a single tank of fuel.

 

GIFT TWO: A scented beeswax candle, containing visible particles of bee poop

and providing roughly the same illumination as a lukewarm corn dog.

 

Now to a guy, Gift One is clearly superior, because you could use it to see

in the dark. Whereas to a woman, Gift Two is MUCH better, because women love

to sit around in the gloom with reeking, sputtering candles, and don't ask

ME why. I also don't know why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her a

56-piece socket-wrench set with a 72-tooth reversible ratchet, but thrilled

if you give her a tiny, very expensive vial of liquid with a name like

``L'essence de Nooquie Eau de Parfum de Cologne de Toilette de Bidet,''

which, to the naked male nostril, does not smell any better than a stick of

Juicy Fruit. All I'm saying is that this is the kind of thing women want.

(That's why the ultimate gift is jewelry; it's totally useless.)

 

The second rule of buying gifts for women is: YOU ARE NEVER FINISHED. This

is the scary part, the part that my son and his friends are just

discovering. If you have a girlfriend, she will give you, at MINIMUM, a

birthday gift, an anniversary gift, a Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa gift, and a

Valentine's Day gift, and every one of these gifts will be nicely wrapped

AND accompanied by a thoughtful card. When she gives you this gift, YOU HAVE

TO GIVE HER ONE BACK. You can't just open your wallet and say, ``Here's,

let's see... 17 dollars!''

 

And, as I told my son, it only gets worse. Looming ahead are bridal showers,

weddings, baby showers, Mother's Day and other Mandatory Gift Occasions that

would not even EXIST if men, as is alleged, really ran the world. Women

observe ALL of these occasions, and MORE. My wife will buy gifts for NO

REASON. She'll go into one of those gift stores at the mall that men never

enter, and she'll find something, maybe a tiny cute box that could not hold

anything larger than a molecule, and is therefore useless, and she'll buy

it, PLUS a thoughtful card, and SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE RECIPIENT IS

YET. Millions of other women are out doing the same thing, getting farther

and farther ahead, while we guys are home watching instant replays. We have

no chance of winning this war.

 

That's what I told my son. It wasn't pleasant, but it was time he knew the

truth. Some day, when he is older and stronger, we'll tackle an even more

difficult issue, namely, what to do when a woman asks: ``Do these pants make

me look fat?'' (Answer: Flee the country.)

 

Hare Krishna --

 

ys, Balarama Dasa