From Crosswalk

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna.

 

JOKE #1

 

*The Truth about Tools*

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from

the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for

drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes

to the rear wheel.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of

your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease

inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or

1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly

painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to

say, "Ouc...."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after

you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the front fender.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward

off a hydraulic jack.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic

floor jack.

 

Hare Krishna --

 

ys, Balarama Dasa