Guest Bedroom...

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna --

 

Considerate guests use the gas station bathroom

By DAVE BARRY

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I received a letter from a reader named Dick Demers, who relates a shocking

story:

It seems Dick and his wife had driven a long distance to visit his wife's

sister. Wishing to refresh himself, Dick went into the guest bathroom, took

a shower, then dried himself off.

 

That's the story. Pretty shocking, huh?

 

Dick's wife thought so. She was horrified.

 

``You used the GOOD TOWELS!'' she said.

 

And he had. It's a mistake many guys make. A guy will be in a guest

bathroom, dripping wet, and he sees a towel, and for some insane reason he

thinks it was put there for guests to dry themselves with.

 

In fact, as Dick's wife angrily pointed out to him, the towels they were

supposed to use were NOT in the bathroom; they were (Of course!) in the

bedroom. The towel Dick used was intended solely as decoration.

 

Here's a similar bonehead error that guys often commit in guest bathrooms:

They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to wash their hands. This of

course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as ``soap that guests are not

supposed to use.'' Its purpose is to match the guest towels.

 

In his letter to me, Dick criticized this kind of thinking by comparing it

to a hypothetical situation involving guys. Suppose, he wrote, that a guy is

working on his car, and he asks you to hand him a 9/16 wrench. You go over

to some wrenches hanging on the wall, and you start to take one, and the guy

yells, ``NOT THOSE! THOSE ARE FOR DECORATION!''

 

Dick, when you put it that way, the concept of purely decorative towels DOES

seem silly. But there's actually a very logical explanation for it: Women

are insane.

 

No, I am of course just kidding. There really is a good reason. I just don't

know what it is. What I do know is that the practice of providing guests

with conveniences they cannot use is not limited to the bathroom. The guest

bedroom is usually equipped with decorative candles that you must not burn,

because that would ruin them. Also you must never throw any waste into the

decorative wastebasket, which has never contained any waste and may have

been waxed just prior to your arrival. If, during your visit, you generate

waste, you should hide it in your suitcase and take it home.

 

But the trickiest thing is the guest bed. Oh, it may have attractive pillows

on it, and a comfy-looking quilt, but you are NOT supposed to use these.

You're supposed to take the pillows -- which are called ``shams'' -- off the

bed and replace them with the real pillows, which are hidden somewhere,

generally in the closet, which is where you're supposed to put the quilt,

which is on the bed solely to match the shams and should NOT come into

contact with your disgusting oily guest body.

 

If your hostess s to Martha Stewart Living, the guest bed may be so

massively fortified with decorative objects that it can be deconstructed for

sleeping use only by a licensed interior designer. I'm talking about a bed

that is surrounded by a dust ruffle and buried under a complex, towering

arrangement of approximately 46 shams and other decorative pillows, which

are on top of the quilt, which may be encased in a ``duvet cover'' and

further accessorized by (these are real decorator names) a ``soutache.'' In

extreme cases, the entire bed will be surrounded by a giant net, as if to

protect it from vampire bats (which will be dyed to match the duvet cover).

 

If you, as a guest, encounter such a bed, do NOT approach it. Back slowly

out of the room, and sleep on the lawn.

 

Of course, you won't encounter these problems if you're a guest in a

household run by a guy, because he won't have fancy guest bedding. In fact,

he won't have a guest bed. You'll sleep on the sofa under a Batman beach

towel with stains dating back to the Reagan administration. In the morning,

you can use this towel to dry yourself after your shower. Feel free to use

the guest soap, which you can assemble yourself from ancient shards of Dial

on the shower floor.

 

But to get back to Dick Demers' letter: Dick, you make a logical point about

the towels. But this is not about logic; this is about etiquette, and too

often we males forget the basic underlying principle of all etiquette, which

is: We are scum. So I urge you to apologize to your wife's sister, and

henceforth show proper respect for her good towels by not treating them as

if they were towels.

 

And do NOT blow your nose on the shams.

 

 

Hare Krishna --

 

ys, Balarama Dasa