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Engineer in hell

 

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his

dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-

tech startup company and got rich. You had your good life, you can't

come in here." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in

hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,

they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The

computers are all upgraded and there's speaker wires running to every

room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty

popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says

with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets

and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music

in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up

with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a

mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm

keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan

laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are

YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Attorney

 

A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a

rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing

himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a

brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town

when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client

on every count. Flushed with victor, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his

client, "Justice has triumphed!" A realistic fellow, the client immediately

wired back, "Appeal at once!"

 

Email home

 

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of

Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and

was planning to meet him there the next day.

 

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail

address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he

missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly

preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

 

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the

monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At

the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your

arrival tomorrow.

 

PS. Sure is hot down here.

 

Smart kid

 

The teacher said, "I'll give $2 to the child who can

tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, It was St.

Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not

correct."

Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was

Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre,

that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised

his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher

said, "That's absolutely right, Daniel, come up here

and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said,

"You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very

surprised you said Jesus Christ." Daniel replied,

"Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business

is business..."

Satan

 

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting

in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the

church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman

who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact

that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I

am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked;

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for

all eternity? Persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,

"Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Poor Family

 

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the

minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

 

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to

the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the

mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are

about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays

their rent, which amounts to $400."

 

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

 

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the

landlord," he sobbed

 

Bear Attack

 

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to

the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous

twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling

down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he

went the other, landing on a rock and

breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging

at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services

today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just

one wish .. please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at

me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its

paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

The Lord's Army

 

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the

preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He

grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to

him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and

Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who

was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades

up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about

it"

 

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they

could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of

you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible

diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've

been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had

long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Good wife

 

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married

me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

 

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly," I'd have married you no matter

WHO left you a fortune!"