Very Punny

[Guest guest]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one

carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low

earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood

and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields

and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known

as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in

the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and

heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up

to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an

hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't

stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them

goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a

family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture

of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband

responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up

a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers

from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition

was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would

not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So,

the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious

thug in own to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and

trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can

prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends,

in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.