CHUCKLES xx||(:o))

[Guest guest]

Some chuckles and insanity from Steven Wright. hehe.I submit the following

for your consideration:

 

 

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire

planet Earth taken from space.

On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

 

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through

into another dimension."

 

"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."

 

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

 

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

 

"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not

hereditary."

 

"I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep."

 

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're

reading, reading... and all of a

sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

 

"Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on

mail order and I couldn't pay for it."

 

"The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything

had two shadows."

 

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as

they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals."

 

"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two

cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal."

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered

French Toast during the Renaissance."

 

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

 

"I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I

got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads."

 

"It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows."

 

"Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello?' I said,

'Hello, could I please speak to Joey?' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so.

He's only two months old." I said, 'I'll wait.'"

 

"I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door

complained."

 

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can

ask him what he meant."

 

"One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said Didn't you

see the stop sign. I said Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

 

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."

 

"I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering."

 

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

 

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards... I got a full house

and four people died."

 

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've

forgotten this before."

 

"I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when

I was younger I could see into the future.

Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!"

 

"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"

 

"He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

 

"Four years ago... No, it was yesterday."

 

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

 

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I

said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus

traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what

happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to

work for you."

 

"If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"

 

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

 

"On the other hand... You have different fingers."

 

"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the

ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths."

 

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No

brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

 

"When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way

round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the

previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend."

 

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

 

"It's a fine night to have an evening."

 

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the

prescription ran out."