You aint gonna believe this !

[Guest guest]

St. Francis is the Christian patron saint of plants and animals. Catholic

church anyway.

 

>

> > GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature.

> > What in the world is going on down there? What

> > happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and

> > stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,

> > no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any

> > type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with

> > abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms

> > attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of

> > songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors

> > by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

 

> > ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,

> > Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers

> > "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and

> > replace them with grass.

> >

> > GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful.

> > It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and

> > sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these

> > Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great

> > pains to grow and keep it green. They begin each

> > spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other

> > plant that crops up in the lawn.

> >

> > GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make

> > grass grow really fast. That must make the

> > Suburbanites happy.

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it

> > grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

> >

> > GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it

> > up and put it in bags.

> >

> > GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they

> > sell it?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to

> > throw it away.

> >

> > GOD: Now let me get this Straight. They fertilize

> > grass so it will grow. And when it does grow,

> > they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

> >

> > GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the

> > summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the

> > heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a

> > lot of work.

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord.

> > When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out

> > hoses and pay more money to water it so they can

> > continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

> >

> > GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the

> > trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so

> > myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to

> > provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the

> > autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural

> > blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the

> > trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form

> > compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle

> > of life.

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The

> > Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.

> > As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into

> > great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

> >

> > GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and

> > tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go

> > out and buy something which they call mulch. They

> > haul it home and spread it around in place of the

> > leaves.

> >

> > GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

> >

> > ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up

> > to make the mulch.

> >

> > GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this

> > anymore. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.

> > ! What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"

> >

> > ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a

> > really stupid movie about.....

> >

> > GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole

> > story from Francis.