Humorous Thoughts 2

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Humorous Thoughts

(from www.kuruvinda.com)

 

 

THE USE OF COMPUTERS IN MOVIES

 

 

Word processors never display a cursor.

 

Nobody ever makes mistakes while typing.

 

Everybody mysteriously knows the art of touch typing, although 85% of

computer users in the real world type with two or three fingers while

staring at the keyboard.

 

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

 

All monitors display inch-high letters.

 

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such

governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.

Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that

can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English on a

luminescent green terminal.

 

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing

"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

 

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply

typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).

 

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's

desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

 

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen

changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it

doesn't go faster than you can read.

 

The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

(See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)

 

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath

the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke,

a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

 

Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected

causes it to explode.

 

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data or

shutting down the OS. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)

 

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before

intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

 

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function that everyone knows (see

Demolition Man and countless others).

 

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be

accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit

data at the speed of two gigabytes per second and connect to any service

provider, like AOL, with the speed of tachyons (see You've Got Mail).

 

When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels

will explode with lots of sparks and smoke, as will the entire building.

 

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a

password when you try to access it.

 

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system

you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer

platforms.

 

Computers never hang or crash, unless it is of great advantage to the hero

or disadvantage to the villain.

 

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However,

everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are

labelled.

 

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,

active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability that work at lightning

speed.

 

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time

video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

 

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects

itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).

 

Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary

for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by

brilliant scientists), although in real life these devices do absolutely

nothing.

 

One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (Star Trek).

Everybody knows all commands.

 

The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit

records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and

edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just

using the internet! (see The Net)