Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale

[Guest guest]

Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale

by Jim Garner

copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993

originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993

 

 

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who

lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her

mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water

to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work,

mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a

feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick,

but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully

capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

 

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food

through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest

was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red

Riding Hood, however, was confident...

 

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was

accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She

replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is

certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

 

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a

little girl to walk through these woods alone."

 

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark

offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your

traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which

has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now,

if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

 

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But,

because his status outside society had freed him from slavish

adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a

quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate

Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as

himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what

was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and

crawled into bed.

 

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,

I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you

in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

 

From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,

so that I might see you."

 

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically

challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

 

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

 

"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of

course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

 

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

 

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

 

The Wolf said, "I am happy with and what I am,"

and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,

intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of

alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but

because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

 

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person

(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he

burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.

But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped.

 

"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding

Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but

no words came to him.

 

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your

weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist!

Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve

their own problems without a man's help!"

 

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped

out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut

his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the

Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up

an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,

and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.