Many a True Word Said in Jest!!!

[Guest guest]

America Offline: Welcome Back to Reality!

 

Every day you hear more and more people talking about it. You hear about

it at work, in restaurants, even on the bus. More and more Americans are

discovering how much more free time they have, how much easier it is to

manage their finances and personal & business relationships. They have

discovered the joys of being ...

 

* * * O F F - L I N E * * *

/\

//\\ Our free software includes utilities to

// \\ seek out and destroy all remnants of

// \\ communications software on your computer

// \\ (also works over a network). It even

// ,-''-.\\ removes that pesky little winsock.dll

// /'``'. \\\ from your hard drive once and for all!

//.-':' | |\\ Say good-bye to the World Wide Web and

/// /` / / \\ hello to the friends and family you forgot

jgs //| | ,:-' \\ you had! Our software, once run, remains

// \ '.__,-/ \\ memory-resident, and like a background

// `-...-' \\ virus checker, protects your computer from

//___AMERICA__OFFLINE___\\ re-installation of telecommunications

'--------------------------` software.

 

Here's how the program works:

 

1. First you run the good-bye letter generation program that automatically

logs you into all your favorite on-line services and posts good-bye notes

to the news groups and message areas of your choice. It encourages people

to call or even write you if they want to talk to you, and lets them know

that you're going to be okay, but that you're just going offline. (It even

logs you into your favorite chat areas and makes witty parting comments,

and leaves requests with systems administrators to cancel your account.)

 

2. Our program recognizes every version of every known communications

software package for Mac OS, DOS, Windows, Windows 95, Windows NT, OS/2

and Unix. It will remove all of these programs and overwrite your hard

drive with null strings so they can't be undeleted. And just so you don't

try to sneak in through a back door -- like an automated check payment

window in a program like Quicken -- our software also removes the serial

communications abilities of all financial and related software.

 

3. Hardware reconfiguration. Our software alters your system configuration

so that no device that even remotely resembles a modem or other commun-

cations interface will ever work on your computer again. It installs a

"listening program" as a permanent TST so that even if your computer some-

how encounters a modem tone, it will immediately reboot, thereby keeping

you effectively offline, even in a network environment.

 

4. Hardware destruction. The next step is to destroy your modems. This is

best done with a hammer. We recommend a hammer because we know you will

start to feel, in that destructive release, the first real joy of your new

life offline. With each crushing blow, we encourage you to think of the

countless hours you've wasted, the completely irrelevant information you

have gathered, and the many people who completely mis-represented them-

selves to you when you were online.

 

5. Finally, our software brings you a brief lesson on meditation to help

you begin to relax without being online. It also includes a list of things

that you can do offline, like feeding your cat that you forgot you had,

watering the plants, doing the dishes, seeing your friends in person,

writing notes on pieces of paper, calling your parents on their birthdays

instead of sending e-mail. The list includes more than 1,000 offline living

tips.

 

We're sure you'll agree that this software is the best

of its kind for getting offline quickly...

...and staying that way!

 

To get your free software, please send a hand-written note to...

 

America Offline, Inc.

7489 Setting Sun Way

Columbia, MD 21046

 

Include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Please specify your operating

system and 3.5 or 5.25 inch disks. Note: Our software is not available on

CD ROM, and we do not have a support BBS or a Web page or even a fax

machine.

 

OUR SOFTWARE IS NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE. UPLOADING IT IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN!

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