Nonsense Contest

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna.

 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for

people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. They

had to be actual examples, and the company's name had to be listed to

qualify.

 

Here are some of the submissions...

 

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building

using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and

employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning

quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

 

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

encounter.(Lykes Lines Shipping)

 

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be

used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat

Company)

 

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more

important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel

Service)

 

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will

believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for

months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's

time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining andManufacturing/3M

Corp.)

 

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only

needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she

couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell

Computers)

 

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was

scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I

would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if

we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for

me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

 

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going

to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone Lines

Division)

 

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to

inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned

above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

 

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a

project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He

said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask

forit!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

 

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked

to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.

In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical

approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the

memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office

and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by

lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"

(pedophilia)? working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the

memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical"

circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked

the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send

back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days

later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words

which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in

company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company

policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the

Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

 

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from

a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined

to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business

focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the

expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

 

 

Hare Krishna --

 

your servant, Balarama Dasa