Stupid Awards

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure if these are related to the Darwin Awards or not - but here

goes....

 

We proudly present the

1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...

5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he

hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the

slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at

Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono

County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked

up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from

lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police

Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.

The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal

crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the

tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being

disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to

call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and

walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the

store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had

choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag

standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when

it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia

party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used

the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting

cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off

his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the

blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl.

M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was

trying to explode it," said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said

I'll

show you how to set it off.He put it into his mouth and bit down. It

blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off," Payne said. Stromyer

was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,

according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical vision. "I just

can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.

1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon

man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky

to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts,

25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's

rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid

Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered

Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1

millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and

Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw

at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10

inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet

some how managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that

had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have

killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been

drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No

charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's

office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the

late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,

decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington

amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them),

they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and

sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and

the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than

Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the

other side

of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing

through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his

arm, as

it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from

the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.

(Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his

pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the

tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky

crashed

into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,

without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.

To

make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3

inches.

(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,

decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the

"S" word) by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.

However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and

crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police

arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from

the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon

moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his

body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts

dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

 

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...