A Catalog of Grocery Customer Species

[Guest guest]

maybe some one could make a similar list of devotees without being offensive

 

YS

Kanai Thakur das

 

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Most, if not all of us, go to the grocery store on a regular basis. All

we notice is the high prices, long lines, and rude employees. But take

heart, and thank your blessings that you don't work at one. If you did,

you might be a little nicer to the employees. You probably don't even

realize when you're being a pain. You probably think that it's your

right as a customer to get everything the way you want, and before you

even ask for it. Maybe you fall into one or more of the following

categories of customers:

 

1) The Complainer

 

The Complainer is a person whose life is so miserable that his only joy

is to make others as miserable as himself. His favorite pasttime is

complaining about high prices and poor quality of food, and will always

mention that the competitor has the same thing for 12 cents cheaper, and

it tastes fresher. Note that he will never actually shop at the

competitor's store, because that would make the employees at his store

just too happy. A favorite activity for the Complainer to do is to get

in the line of a cashier that has just closed off, saying that he's in a

hurry, and that one more customer won't kill them. He then proceeds to

unload a huge cart of groceries, and stacks them on the counter so high

that the slightest movement would cause them to fall onto the floor.

They won't move very much, though, because there is so much weight on

the belt that it does nothing but make whining and grinding noises.

Another favorite activity for the Complainer is to argue with the

cashier of a cash-only express line, trying to convince the cashier to

let him come through with a check. The Complainer can usually be spotted

in a store in the produce department, muttering to himself about the

cost of tomatoes.

 

2) Everyone's Best Friend

 

EBF is a person who loves to share his life with the employees, whether

he has been waited on by them numerous times, or has never seen them

before. He says hello, then proceeds to tell the employee about his

relatives, bad back/shoulder/knee/foot, or a useless piece of trivia.

His favorite passtime is to explain why he is buying a particular item:

"I need this spaghetti sauce because my in-laws are coming for dinner,

and they looove spaghetti." The reaction to EBF varies, depending on the

person. A polite person will smile and nod, but an impatient person will

looked annoyed, and a person who is having a really bad day will

contemplate suicide. EBF is usually an elderly person (see: Starved for

Attention), who has nothing to do all day except wander around a grocery

store seeking unsuspecting employees. EBF's favorite phrase: (upon being

told the total of his groceries is $19.82) "Nineteen eighty-two! That

was a great year!"

 

3) Clueless

 

Clueless is a person who does not pay attention to anything, be it

reading signs, listening to directions, or anything that requires an

attention span. Clueless is unaware of others around him, and often

makes requests to an employee while the employee is helping another

customer. Clueless is the type of customer that pays for his $12 in

groceries in nickels and dimes. Clueless will ignore the cashier's

outstretched hand, and dump an armful of change on the counter, saying

"I don't know how much that is, count it for me." Clueless is also known

to unload two carts of groceries onto the counter, then say that he

forgot a few things, leaving the cashier and customers standing around

waiting for him. Clueless is very forgetful, and will present his

coupons just as the cashier is handing him the receipt. A favorite

passtime is for Clueless to get in the express line, with a huge basket

of groceries and a credit card. Clueless is most famous for waiting

until the last possible minute before taking out his checkbook and

filling it out. Clueless can be found standing on the soda aisle,

wondering where they hide the Pepsi. Clueless can also be found in the

produce department, putting seven different types of fruits and

vegetables into the same produce bag. Clueless's favorite phrase: (to a

cashier standing at a register) "Are you open?" Special note to cashier:

Never, ever, ever, ask clueless for I.D. for a check!

 

4) Cheapo

 

Cheapo is a common customer, who lives for bargains. If a can of beans

is on sale for 2 cents cheaper, Cheapo will buy three dozen of them.

When approaching the check-out line, Cheapo will pull out a stack of

coupons an inch thick, and then stare intently as the prices flash on

the screen. Sometime during the checkout process, Cheapo will utter the

phrase, "That's not the right price. It's supposed to be 4 cents less

than that." The cashier will then check on the price, and 99% of the

time will find out that he rang up the correct price. Cheapo will then

say, "Well, those signs are confusing." Cheapo can be clever at times,

and will often try to use more than one coupon on the same item. After

being told the total of his purchase, Cheapo usually mutters, "$28, that

can't be right!" and then proceeds to add up the items on the receipt

until he is convinced that it is correct. Cheapo can nearly always be

found at the discount bin, loading up on damaged cans and week-old

danishes. Cheapo's favorite phrase: (after the cashier trys to scan an

item a few times, but it won't ring up) "Well, I guess it's free!"

 

5) Trash

 

Trash is a very disgusting person, who can be spotted by his lack of

proper public attire (shirt and shoes). Trash is more often than not

uneducated and unrefined, and usually travels with four to six children

(Trashlets). These Trashlets are extremely unruly, and run around the

store wreaking havoc, despite the constant barrage of threats from

Trash. Trash is most often friendly, but is extrememly crude. A favorite

passtime of Trash is to pay with currency that has been carried in an

undergarment, such as a bra or underpants, and is saturated with sweat.

Trash loves to yell across the store to his companions, especially to

remind them to pick up the $4.97 case of beer. You will never see Trash

purchasing a toothbrush or toothpaste. Trash can usually be found on the

Spam aisle, or near the chewing tobacco.

 

6) Lazy

 

Lazy is a customer that expects to be waited on hand and foot, no matter

how trivial or insignificant the task. Lazy loves to have employees

fetch groceries for him, and when Lazy wants to know the price of an

item, he will ask an employee before bothering to look at the tag on the

shelf. When Lazy approaches the checkout line, he stands there with his

arms crossed until a bagger approaches and unloads his cart. When Lazy

decides against purchasing a particular item, he presents it to the

cashier, saying "I don't want this, put it back for me." Lazy does not

believe in using the plastic dividers that separate orders, and will

wait until the cashier has rung up half of the order behind him before

saying, "Hey, that's not my stuff!" Similarly, if by an unfortunate

twist of events, an item from the order ahead of him falls on the wrong

side of the divider, Lazy will wait until the other customer has left

before telling the cashier that they are not his items.

 

7) Financial Wizard

 

FW is a customer who does not adequately prepare his finances before

visiting a grocery store. FW loves to pay using a combination of cash,

check, credit card, food stamps, and gift certificate. FW does so in

such a manner that the cashier is thoroughly confused and has to call a

manager for assistance. A hobby of FW is to load $100 worth of groceries

into his basket, knowing full well that he only has brought $17 with

him. When he enters the checkout line, the "what do I really need to

buy" game begins, and items are rung up and taken off many times before

he is satisfied with his purchase. FW always has exact change, and

usually mentions this right as the cashier is handing him his change. FW

loves to shop for someone else (see: The Substitute), and always

separates his groceries into two or more orders, to be rung up on

separate receipts. FW can usually be found in front of an ATM machine,

whining about his card being eaten.

 

8) Do-It-Yourselfer

 

DIY is a customer that loves to assist employees in performing their

job, be it pointing out produce that has turned a millionth of a shade

darker, or in helping the cashier use a machine that DIY probably

doesn't even know how to turn on. DIY is especially dangerous when an

item's price will not come up on the cash register, at which time he

will utter the phrase, "Did you try punching in the numbers?" When

unloading his groceries, DIY loads the counter with groceries, and then

stands by the cashier, handing each item to be rung up. DIY completes

his visit to the supermarket by tearing off his receipt before even half

of his groceries have been rung up.

 

9) Starved for Attention

 

SFA is most likely an elderly customer who is an extreme combination of

all other customer types. SFA almost always needs special attention when

bagging his groceries, so that that they can be arranged according to

their size, weight, geometric shape, and location of storage at home.

SFA will use approximately three grocery bags for each item purchased,

and most items will have to be put in both paper and plastic. SFA should

be avoided at all costs. Warning: Never attempt to short-change SFA, not

even a penny!

 

10) The Substitute

 

The Substitute is a customer that does not normally do the grocery

shopping in his household, and is also a shopper that is looking for a

particular item for someone else. The Substitute will ask an employee to

help him find a particular item, but has no clue what it looks like, or

even if it is found in a grocery store. All he knows is that he found it

once in a store in his hometown. It usually turns out that the item is

either something extremely simple, like eggs or sugar, or something that

hasn't been manufactured since the creation of the Food and Drug

Administration. If the grocery store does not happen to carry this item,

the Substitute will ask where he might find such an item. If the

employee happens to know that a particular type of store carries it,

such as a sporting goods store, the Substitute will ask for the store's

address and directions to get there, if indeed they carry it, how much

it costs, and if it is in stock.

 

11) The Perfect Customer

 

The Perfect Customer is friendly, polite, and helpful. He talks, but not

in excess. He helps bag his own groceries when needed, but will step

aside when a bagger approaches. He does not complain about prices or

long lines, and does not tell the employees how to do their jobs. He

does not care if something rings up a couple of cents extra, and is

understanding when an employee is having a bad day. Furthermore, the

Perfect Customer has no special requests or needs, but likes the place

just as it is. Unfortunately, the Perfect Customer is an endangered

species, and is all but extinct in urban areas.

 

Special Note: It is a character trait of all shoppers to not want to buy

an item that is even the slightest bit wrinkled or discolored. This

includes a can with a loose label, a box of cereal that has come

unglued, or a magazine with a crease in it. Logic does not apply here,

because the customer will immediately throw the item into his truck, and

it will be bent, dented, or punctured beyond recognition.