funny schoolwork

[Guest guest]

The World According To Student Bloopers

Richard Lederer

St. Paul's School

 

PREFACE

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving

the occasional jewel of a

student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of

the world from certifiably

genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,

from eighth grade through

college. Read carefully and you will learn a lot.

 

THE ANCIENT WORLD

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert

and traveled by Camelot.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere,

so certain areas of the dessert

are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of

a huge triangular cube. The

Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,

Guinesses, Adam and Eve were

created from an apple tree. One of the children, Cain, asked "Am I my

brother's son?" God asked

Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his

brother's birthmark.

Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his tweleve sons to be patriarchs, but

they did not take to it. One

of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

 

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them

to the Red Sea, where

they made unleavened bread, which is the bread made without any ingredients.

Afterwards, Moses went

up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king

skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons,

had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

 

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds

of columns: Corinthian,

Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says

that the mother of

Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles

appears in "The Illiad", by

Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity" in which Penelope was the last hardship

that Ulysses endured on

his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of

that name.

 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They

killed him. Socrates

died from an overdose of wedlock.

 

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw

the java. The reward to

the victor was the oral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic

because the people took the

law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were

so high that they couldn't

climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the

Parisians, the Greeks were

outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

 

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans

because they never stayed in

one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their

hair. Julius Caesar

extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him

because they thought he was

going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his subjects

by playing the fiddle to

them.

 

MEDIEVAL HISTORY

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived

in the Age of Shivery.

King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc

was cannonized by George

Bernard Shaw. The victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The

Magna Carta provided

that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of

the time was Chaucer, who

wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of

William Tell, who shot an

arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

 

 

EARLY MODERN HISTORY

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their

human being. Martin Luther

was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He

died a horrible death, being

excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the

female nude that made him the

father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented the

Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented

cigarettes. Another important invention

was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a

100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking

difficult because he had an

abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a

success. When

Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah!" Then

her navy went out and

defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare

never made much money

and is famous only because of what he wrote. He lived in Windsor with his

merry wives, writing

tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's plays, Hamlet rations

out his situations by

relieving himself in a long soliloquy, In another, Lady Macbeth tries to

convince MacBeth to kill the King

by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time

as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great

author was John

Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote

"Paradise Regained."

 

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great

navigator who discovered

America cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and

the Santa Fe. Later the

Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When

they landed at Plymouth

Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war

hoops before them. The

Indian squabs carried porposies on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were

killed, along with their

cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.. The winter of 1620 was a hard one

for the settlers. Many

people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for

all of this.

 

MODERN HISTORY

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their

tea. Also, the colonists

would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red

Coats and Paul Revere

was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks

crowing. Finally, the

colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxies.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,

and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin had gone to

Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each

arm. He invented electricity by

rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot

stand." Franklin died in 1790

and is still dead.

 

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of

Our Country. Then the

Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

Under the Constitution the

people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

 

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest President. Lincoln's mother died in

infancy, and he was

born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was

President, he wore only a tall

silk hat. He said, "in onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the

Gettysburg Address while

traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also

signed the Emasculation

Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. On

the night of April 14,

1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the

actors in the movie. The believed

assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined

Booth's career.

 

Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire

invented electricity and also

wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is

chiefly notable in the Autumn,

when the apples are falling off the trees.

 

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, as so was Handel. Handel was

half German, half

Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the

present. Beethoven wrote music

even though he was deaf. His music was very loud.

 

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished

before it happened. During

the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their

shoes. Napoleon became ill

with bladder problems and was unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his

power, but since Josephine

was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

 

The sun never set on the British Empire, because the British Empire is in the

East and the sun sets in the

West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. Her death was the final event

which ended her reign.

 

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The

invention of the steamboat

caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of

telepathy. Louis Pasteur

discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote "The

Organ of the Species."

 

The first World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,

ushered in a new error in the

anals of human history.