Ava's Bollywood Bloopers...

[Guest guest]

When Ava(dhut) used to work in Bombays (in)famous Bollywood movies, these

were some of his sure fire dialogue hits. The public loved 'em! Oh

boy..wouldn't they luv to see it again...? Not to be misunderstood,

traditional Hollywood dialogues are cool stuff. Nothing beats the cad

sneering, "Blackmail is such an ugly word, don't you think?"...or the bank

robbery leader's furious "You trigger happy fool! We agreed there'd be no

killing!" I still thrill to the freckled kid's "But, mister, Lassie couldn't

have killed those sheep", and the vampire's "I'm afraid you vill all haff to

spend za night here...the bridge has been voshed out."

 

But once in a while, as you watch that old Bollywood picture starring Ava on

TV, wouldn't you just love to see the old familiar scenes take on an

unfamiliar turn...?

 

*

Ava: I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, SRI. THE HEAT, THE FLIES, THOSE DAMNED

DRUMS THROBBING INTO THE NIGHT! Does every Bombay hotel have a Disco till

four in the morning...?

 

 

*

Ava: 'ZE ARABS 'AVE BEEN SWEEPING ACROSS ZE DESERT LIKE A SANDSTORM, MON

COLONEL. AE FORT IS COMPLETELY SURROUNDED! You'd like to buy any

rugs, brass trays, camel saddles...?

 

 

*

Ava: HIGH PRIEST, HE SAY, THEY SACRIFICE SACRED VIRGIN AT SUNRISE. Oh

boy! Is he wasting his time!

 

 

*

Ava: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. HERE'S HOW IT

IS. WE ARE NOW FLYING ON ONE ENGINE AT AN ALTITUDE OF ZERO FEET. WITH

FIRE IN THE RESERVE FUEL TANK AND THE UNDERCARRIAGE LOCKED AND SHUT! There

may be a short delay in landing, and we regret this inconvinience, Thank

you!

 

 

*

Ava: RAVES ALL PUTTING ON HEAP PLENTY WAR PAINT, WHITE MAN. MAKING HEAP

BIGDANCE! Trouble is, dancing with each other...

 

 

*

Ava: This is the hardest part of being a doctor, Andy, so I'll just say

it straight out in plain words. YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE BIGGEST

DAMN' BILL YOU EVER SAW!

 

*

Ava: Oh, Sri, I'm scared! The car's broken down on this lonely country

road...there's a thunderstorm coming...it's nearly midnight...and that

big, dark, sinister house house up there! IS IT IN THE GOOD FOOD GUIDE?

 

 

*

Ava: HELLO, CITY DESK? PRINT THE FRONT PAGE!

 

 

*

Ava: NOW LISTEN TO ME, SOLDIER! THERE ARE TWO THOUSAND PAKISTANIS OUT

HERE AND JUST THE TWO OF US IN HERE. WE ARE INDIAN SOLDIERS! And

godammit, we're surrendering right now.

 

 

*

Ava: Be brave, sailor. I've got to amputate, and there's no rum. JUST

ANAESTHETIC.

 

 

 

__________________________

 

Some of Ava's dialogues, without which many Bollywood flicks would have been

rendered speechless!

 

 

FUGITIVE FILM: "Don't you see? No matter how fast you run, you can't run

away fron yourself."

 

 

MURDER FILM: "The killer is ...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr-rrghhhhh!"

 

ROMANTIC: "You ae the only decent thing that ever happened to me."

 

MYSTERY: "No, listen - don't you see? That's exactly what he WANTS us

to think."

 

MUSICAL: "Say, I gottan idea! Why don't we do a show right here in

the barn?"

 

DETECTIVE: "But, Inspector, there's still one thing I don't quite

understand..."

 

MAD SCIENTIST: "One step nearer and this whole place goes up in flames!"

 

GANGSTER: "If you want me, copper, come in and get me!"

 

RACKETEER FILM: "Ya got a good business here, buster...too bad if sump'n was

to happen to it!"

 

__________________________

 

SRI: I've got some good news and bad news...

 

AVA: Give me the good news

 

SRI: Paramount loved your script, absolutely ate it up!

 

AVA: Fantastic! What's the bad news?

 

SRI: Paramount is my cocker spaniel!

 

__________________________

Ava's acceptance speech after he won the Oscar Award...

 

 

" I'd like to express my gratitude to all my fellow nominees for being such

crappy actors that the Academy had no alternative but to give this award to

me."