Santa's real identity?

[Guest guest]

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

>

> BECAUSE A MAN COULDN'T MEET THE DEMANDS OF THE JOB...

>

> I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

> a she.

> Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,

> nurturing

> social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could

> possibly

> pull it all off!

>

> For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think

> about

> selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all

> frozen in

> some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.

> 24th, when

> they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan

> for a

> last-minute shopping spree.

>

> Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only

> Ronco

> products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the

> shelves. (You

> might think this would send them into a fit of panic and

> guilt, but my

> husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens

> the 11th

> hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm

> convinced Santa

> is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the

> universe would

> wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia

> Pet under

> the tree, still in the bag.

>

> Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First

> of all,

> there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,

> gutted and

> strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid

> wide-eyed,

> desperate claims that buck season had been extended.

> Blitzen's rack

> would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

>

> Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have

> transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost

> up there

> in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for

> directions. Add to this the fact that there would be

> unavoidable

> delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would

> stop to

> inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need

> to check

> for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get

> under every

> Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a

> perfectly upright

> 90-degree angle.

>

> Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

> * Men can't pack a bag.

> * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red

> velvet.

> * Men would feel their masculinity is

> threatened...having to be

> seen with all those elves.

> * Men don't answer their mail.

> * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be

> described even

> in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful

> of jelly."

> * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's

> wearing

> them.

> * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously

> inhibit their

> ability to pick up women.

> * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would

> require a

> commitment.

>

> I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters

> are

> men.........

> Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking

> ominous.

> Definite guy.

> Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

> Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

> Any one of these individuals could pass the

> testosterone-screening

> test.

> But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

>