Boy, 10, Wags Dog

[Guest guest]

Beserkely, CA - Facing eroding support in his expulsion hearings

tomorrow before the Beserkely School Board, embattled Morningside

Elementary School fourth grader Jason Hartz announced he had ordered a

daring midday raid against a southside group of boys with a "way mean"

dog. Members of the Hartz organization vehemently denied that the

anti-canine strike was related to the expulsion hearings, which were

postponed until the resolution of the highly tense dog situation.

 

Hartz, 10, faces expulsion for his role in the 'Mudgate' scandal. He

stands accused of tripping Morningside kindergarten student Brittany

Janke, 6, into a playground mudpuddle, causing her to stain her blue

'Barney' jumper. Hartz is also the focus of an ongoing investigation

covering milk money extortion, Hot Wheels bribery, and use of the

excruciating 'Texas Titty Twister.'

 

A somber Hartz made the dramatic announcement at a 5PM press conference

outside his treehouse. "My fellow Morningsiders, today I ordered a

force of boys from the fourth, fifth, and sixth grade to engage forces from

south Beserkely who are harboring a way mean dog and probably bottle

rockets and stuff. This action was made necessary by the intransigence

of those southside buttheads, who have been thwarting our dog inspection

program. Our forces are well equipped, with the best BMX bike technology.

However, I must caution that we may see casualties, including loose teeth and

shiners."

 

In a passing reference to his current expulsion battle, Hartz said that

"some may question the timing of this action. Let me assure you, this

action was solely undertaken for Morningside Elementary, and has nothing

to do with domestic politics and stuff. God bless you and Go Tigers."

 

As of dinnertime, no word of casualties and damages were available.

 

According to Hartz spokesboy Michael Sittig, 11, the attack was

necessary because of a canine controversy has been building for several

months. "In October we received reports of a bunch of mean kids with a

big mean dog over in south Beserkely. We decided to send our inspectors,

Jeremy and Brandon, over there to check it out."

 

Jeremy Levens, 10, is a longtime member of Hartz's inner circle and an

expert on bottle rocket ordinance and delivery systems. Classmate Brandon

Fleming, 9, is the son of Beserkely vetenarian Brian Fleming, and an expert on

mean dogs.

 

"Luckily, both Jeremy and Brandon live near the district border," says

Sittig. "That way they could ride their bikes into south Beserkely,

make their inspection and get home in time for Megazoids."

 

Despite years of experience, Sittig says the boys were not prepared for

what they found. "Bones, old shoes, dishrags. It became clear to our

inspectors that south Beserkely kids were harboring a vicious dog. We

have heard unconfirmed reports of dog doodoo with pieces of clothing in

it."

 

According to Fleming, the boys' fact-finding mission was cut short when

they were ejected by two south side boys. "One of them had a Stone Cold

Steve Austin t-shirt and a strawberry kool-aid mustache, and the other

one yelled personal remarks and stuff," said Fleming.

 

Levens says there was evidence of an experimental bottle rocket

program. "There was coffee cans with ashes and stuff in it, and one of the

kids had a punk," say Levens, but he did not offer any additional evidence.

 

The standoff was the latest flare-up in tensions between the children

of affluent north Beserkely, which includes Morningside Elementary, and

hardscrabble south Beserkely. The tensions came to a head in 1990, when

a group of three Beserkely Southside High School students attempted to

shake down Morningside sixth grader Tommy Willer outside a video arcade

in a local mall. Unbeknownst to them, the entire Northside High

wrestling team was enjoying a post-meet Orange Julius less than 20 feet

away. The wrestlers included Tommy's brother, Mike Willer, the reigning

UC Beserkely 4A heavyweight champion.

 

What was to occur is remembered as "the mother of all punch-outs."

Local residents, even north Beserkelyites, still grimace when recalling the

savage, pinpoint beatings the wrestlers inflicted on the Southside High boys.

 

"Oh, lordy, the sound was almost worse than the sight," says eyewitness

Mildred Reikers, 73. "The bloodcurdling screams, the crrraaaacks, the

chwaash-chwaash-bang as they pounded those poor boys' heads into the

token machine. With all that incessant ka-ching ka-ching blooop bloop

ding zwipzwip from the pinball machines and video games. It almost

made me feel sorry for them."

 

All three Southside boys were hospitalized with multiple fractures

after the incident. Emergency workers used the 'jaws of life' to remove the

head of one boy, Ronnie James Jessup, from a fusbol table. His

companions, Derek Huff and Todd Shumanski, faced two hours of delicate

surgery to remove their own underwear, which had become imbedded

courtesy of Mike Willer's 'atomic wedgie.'

 

Mike Willer, now 25 and a bar bouncer in nearby Oaktown, remembers the

episode with pride. "Look, we drew a line in the food court. We said,

'this will not stand.' We kicked those greasy losers' asses."

 

While the episode was not pleasant to witness, north Beserkelyites say

it was necessary. "It was about time," says Harold DeJong. "Those thugs

got exactly what they deserved. Maybe those southside punks will think

twice the next time they pick on a smaller kid. Or drive through north

Beserkely pumping that obnoxious music from their rusted lowrider

Toyota pickups."

 

The mall beatings ushered in a period of uneasy peace between north and

south Beserkely. Boisterous southside kids dropped their open aggression

at the mall, but many northsiders feared that they would channel it

into surprise egging and T.P. attacks on northside homes.

 

Compounding north Beserkeleyite fears, the Northside High wrestling

team began to dissipate after the 1990 championship season. Emboldened

southside children openly spoke of pitbull adoption from the Beserkely

Humane Society and bottle rocket research programs.

 

Sittig says that under the circumstances, "we had no choice. If we

didn't go into south Beserkely, under the leadership of Jason Hartz,

the Timberline Mall would become a scene of open aggression again."

 

Sittig also defended the timing of the strike, which took place less

than 24 hours before the School Board's decision on his expulsion.

Insiders had recently hinted that the violent outbursts of his mother

Cindy, a new Board member, created a backlash among the anti-Jason

forces on the board. When moderate board member Dorothy McElrath

announced recently that she was "open to expulsion," Hartz's father Jim

panicked and offered to reshingle her modest Beserkely bungalow. Others

questioned Hartz's sincerity since the dog evidence was more than two

months old.

 

"These innuendos are way bogus," said Sittig. "I assure you, the timing

of this strike had absolutely nothing to do with the School Board

hearings. But I think the board ought to put them off indefinitely if

they don't want our brave Morningside boys to get punched out."

 

Back at his treehouse command center last night, Hartz plotted strategy

and played Gameboy with Sittig. Although Hartz did not personally

accompany the school strike force, he said he "will support our forces

in any way I can. Even if it means staying up late and playing

Nintendo."

 

He hopes none of the Morningside boys come to harm, "but that's a

chance I'll just have to take."