Crisis in Heaven

[Guest guest]

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God

had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun

when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she

had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet

of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God

for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship

with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

 

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,

saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts on

this story will come out in time, verily."

 

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief

with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover

questions of whether any commandments may have been broken,

and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his

illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the

"Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who

are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have

pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges

that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had

created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed

land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already

been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of

locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as

well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and

Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving

whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County

to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political con-

tributions.

 

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to

God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter

moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed,

God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of

ten "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill

by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any pro-

visions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are

planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an uncon-

stitutional restriction on free speech.