Odd Signs From England

[Guest guest]

Sorry about the capitals, that's the way I received it.

Too much trouble to rewrite all in a lower case :-(

 

 

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND

 

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES

WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

Sign in a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE

BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG

20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND

UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.

THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.

(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

 

English sign in a German cafe:

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the

Prince of Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.

IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.

OPEN TOMORROW.

 

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

 

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

 

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.

BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

 

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS

WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD

TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS

WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

 

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY

NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS

A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

 

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,

BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

 

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW