12 tests for future parents

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12 tests for future parents

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..>> I'm always happy to rerun old favorites.

Here it is:

 

Hare Krishna...

 

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and

decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to

take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother

or father.

 

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a

beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take

out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug

store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the

pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have

your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper.

Read it for the last time.

 

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are

already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of

patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their

children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their

child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall

behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will

have all the answers.

 

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from

5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put

the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and

walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on

for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go

to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs

in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

 

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter

onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the

stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds

then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does

that look?

 

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus

and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that

none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

 

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it

into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a

piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk

container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an

exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified

for a place on the play group committee.

 

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out

in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy

a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it

there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size

packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden

rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

 

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out

the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk

down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly

down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end,

piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until

the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the

house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

 

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can

find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you

intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your

week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for

everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this

do not even contemplate having children.

 

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the

ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix

and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an

airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your

lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to

feed a 12-month-old baby.

 

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat"

at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

 

ys, BD

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