FW: [Fwd: Fw: Christmas Gifts]

[Guest guest]

Clean this one up and it will be a good one for the joke conference.

 

 

Dan19doris (AT) aol (DOT) com <Dan19doris (AT) aol (DOT) com>

GKJ737 (AT) aol (DOT) com <GKJ737 (AT) aol (DOT) com>

Friday, December 24, 1999 2:22 PM

Christmas Gifts

 

 

>Recd. from Anon., WE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS!!!

>

>

>---------

>

>December 13

>Dear Love,

>How sweet of you to send the partridge! What a darling you are. I love

>you, my precious one. And the pear tree - how thoughtful!

>Love, Kathy

>

>

>December 14

>

>Dearest Tommy,

>

>Those two turtledoves are absolutely the sweetest little birds I have

>ever seen! Cooing in their golden cage, they're a perfect complement to

>the partridge. You're a darling sweet man.

>

>Love, Kathy

>

>

>December 15

>

>Dearest Tom,

>

>You really were sweet to send me another gift, and you are such a kidder.

>Three more birds! Who else would have thought to send someone three

>French hens to go with her two turtledoves and a partridge? They will be

>a bit of trouble to clean up after, but since they're from you, I guess

>they're worth it.

>

>Love, Kathy

>

>

>December 16

>

>Dear Tom,

>

>What a sense of humor, ha-ha! Four calling birds, giving me a total of

>ten birds in a studio apartment, where I wasn't supposed to have pets at

>all. The racket really is too much. They don't call them "calling birds"

>for nothing, you know. They set off the French hens, and now the

>turtledoves are cooing around the clock. The partridge looks sick. Thanks

>again, I guess.

>

>Love, Kathy

>

>

>December 17

>

>Dearest Tommy,

>

>Now I see what all this is has been leading up to: Five golden rings! I

>had no idea you cared so much and I am overwhelmed by your lovely gift. I

>hardly care about the feathers and the seeds on my carpet or the mess the

>French hens are making. Naturally you won't send me any more gifts. But I

>shall always treasure your thoughtfulness and your love in giving me the

>rings.

>

>All my love, Kathy

> December 18

>

>Not funny, Tom. Your six geese a-laying have nearly ruined my bathroom

>and I don't even eat the eggs. Now that you've had your little joke, I

>hope you'll come and take them off my hands before the neighbors

>complain.

>

>Love, Kathy

>

>

>December 19

>

>Tom:

>

>Come and get these seven swans out of my bathtub, or we're finished. It

>was bad enough having 16 birds in the apartment, but the swans, are

>splashing water all over the bathroom and it's turning the goose shit

>into a stinking lake. The carpet is badly stained. I can't call Animal

>Control because I'm embarrassed about the mess. Get over here and help me

>out immediately!

>

>Kathy

>

>

>December 20

>

>Thomas:

>

>I can hardly write because of the uproar from your eight maids a-milking

>and their damned cows! All your lovely birds are covered with cowshit.

>The maids are quarreling among themselves and I barely have enough money

>to buy hay. I don't know where you got these women but if they aren't

>gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police. I'd be evicted if my landlord

>weren't out of town. What are you trying to prove anyway?

>

>Kathryn

>

>

>December 21

>

>Tom, you ASSHOLE:

>

>Nine ladies dancing would be bad enough, but these so-called ladies are

>strange! When they're not dancing and breaking things, they're fighting

>with the milkmaids, putting on airs and eating everything in the place.

>You can call it dancing if you want, but they'd get arrested in most

>nightclubs. It's disgusting! Three of them have been hurt slipping in the

>cowshit and one of them is chasing the French hens with a hatchet. I

>can't stand it another day; the chaos is driving me crazy!

>

>Kathryn

> December 22

>

>You Son-Of-A-Bitch, you've gone too far. Ten lords a-leaping are now

>jumping all over the milkmaids and the ladies you stupidly sent, not to

>mention each other. Half of them are queer and the other half are pawing

>all of us. Two of the milkmaids have locked themselves into the bathroom

>in spite of the geese and the swans and the racket and their slimy

>droppings. Have you ever seen lords a-leaping? They're gross! If you have

>any heart at all, you'll get these perverts out of here. The partridge, I

>might add, is dead. I've lost the damned rings somewhere in the muck. I

>called the police but they laughed at me. I don't know where to turn.

>

>You know who

>

>

>

>December 23

>

>Mr. Thomas Shithead:

>

>I suppose you'll be happy to know that eleven pipers piped their way into

>my apartment today and all hell broke loose. The noise stampeded the

>cows. They ran into the parking lot, injuring several neighbors who had

>come out to see what the noise was all about. Birdshit and bathwater

>finally broke through the floor of the bathroom and flooded the apartment

>downstairs. Animal Control officers went after the cows but accidentally

>shot a leaping lord with his tranquilizer gun. One of the dancing ladies

>thinks she's pregnant. The milkmaids have taken over. One of them runs

>naked through the apartment complex. The geese and swans are in the

>swimming pool and the boys are throwing rocks at them. I was attacked by

>a leaping lord. The calling birds have pilled out most of my hair for the

>nests, which they are building in the chandelier. I am so upset that I

>strangled the turtledoves. They were sweet, but I just couldn't take it

>any more. The stench is unbearable. The air if filled with feathers. The

>pipers won't stop piping. All is lost. Lost!

>

>Your avowed enemy

>

>

>

>December 24

>

>Mr. Thomas Furley:

>

>I am writing in behalf of my client, Miss Kathryn Grudge, who is now

>under psychiatric care at Sunny Hills Hospital. Apparently your gift of

>twelve drummers drumming proved more than she could bear. A suit has been

>filed charging you with $400,000 in damages to an apartment complex and

>37 persons, including one Animal Control officer who alleges that six

>vicious geese have destroyed his virility.

>

>Sincerely,

>

>Joseph Blonk, Attorney-At-Law

>

>

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