Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

[Guest guest]

SOME PEOPLE SAY CATS never have to be bathed. They say cats lick

themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort

in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the

dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

 

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind

believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the

contrary, the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage

and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

 

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must

look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the

contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a

hot day in Juarez".

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some

advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under

your arm and head for the bathtub:

 

- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and

lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalise on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't

try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase

him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four

feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and

close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a

shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can

shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician

can shift positions.)

 

- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the

skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and

know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls

tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh

gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak

jacket.

 

- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a

towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw

the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the

glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you

are lying on your back in the water.

 

- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if

to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually

notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in

fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that

you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C.

Penney.)

 

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.

In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the

tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water

and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45

seconds of your life.

 

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and

the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to

him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have

him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of

shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back

into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record

for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

 

- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume

this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn

out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In

fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been

through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed

to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot,

reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will

end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,

he best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage

him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub,

it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

 

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your

leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and

will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might

even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster

figurine.

 

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the

case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your

defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give

him a bath.

 

But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

 

Anonymous