Rufus and Clarence

[Guest guest]

Here is a "Rufus and Clarence" story for you:

 

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....Rufus and

Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each

other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to

their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

 

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I

cain't swim....er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

 

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR luck stars that

I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

 

Every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

 

One day the Army Corps of Engineers come along. Builds a bridge.

 

Still. Every morning. Every day. Another five years.

 

Finally....Mrs. Rufus has had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I

cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup

Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

 

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.

 

"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup

Clarence's butt!!!"

 

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the

bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge,

looked up.....

 

.....TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR,

BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED PANTING AND GASPING UNDER

THE BED!!!!!

 

"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

 

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

 

"Rufus! cried the missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

 

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge......I

stepped up on the bridge.....walked halfway over the bridge....looked

up....."

 

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

 

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6

inches".........he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the

river!!!!!!!"