Samuri Robber

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna.

 

Sometimes I am so darned proud to be an American that I have to lean over

and hold my stomach.

 

This is such a time. I have just read an amazing story about a group of

Americans -- regular people, just like you and me, except they live in

Wisconsin -- who on May 31 found themselves staring straight into the

eyeballs of Danger. I am proud to say that, when the chips were down, these

Americans did not turn tail and knuckle under. Instead, when the fat was in

the fire, they stepped up to the plate and cut the mustard.

 

Why do I say this? For one thing, I've been mixing my medications. But also

I am deeply moved by the heroic actions of the citizens of a Wisconsin town

called Rib Mountain, as reported in the Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald, which

bills itself as "A Gannett Newspaper Serving North Central Wisconsin."

According to two detailed front-page Daily Herald stories, written by Peter

J. Wasson and sent in by alert reader Kay Meyer, here is what happened (I am

not making any of this up):

 

It was an ordinary evening at the Aldi grocery store on Rib Mountain Drive.

People were shopping for groceries, probably not expecting a man to come

bursting in wearing a hood and brandishing a samurai sword.

 

But that is exactly what happened. In the vivid words of shopper Coreen

Poeske: "He came right through the Keebler chocolate chip cookies display,

just plowed through, and there were Keebler cookies spread all over."

 

"Give me your money!" the hooded man shouted at the cashier. He banged his

sword on the checkout counter, causing the tip to bend.

 

All of us, at one time or another, have tried to imagine how we would react

to this type of situation, although we may not have specifically imagined

the part about the cookies. I just hope that I have the courage to react the

way shopper Paul Josiger did.

 

"I just said to myself, 'What can I do to help?' " said Josiger. "So I

threatened him with fruit cocktail."

 

Yes. Without regard to his own safety, Josiger -- described by the Daily

Herald as "a former pitcher on his company softball team at Kolbe & Kolbe

Millwork Co." -- picked up a can of fruit cocktail (the brand is not

specified in the Daily Herald story) and, in his own words, "yelled at him

to put the knife down and get the hell out of the store or I would throw the

can at him. Well, then he got the money and ran, so I threw that can of

fruit cocktail at him but missed."

 

Here Coreen Poeske picks up the story: "As soon as he was gone, one woman

said, 'Don't anybody touch anything, because he didn't have gloves on and

there will be fingerprints all over the place.' Another woman told us all to

take our shopping lists and write down everything we saw for police. There

were a lot of quick thinkers in there."

 

While the shoppers were collecting clues, the drama shifted outside to the

suddenly dangerous streets of Rib Mountain, where Robert "B.J." Coe was

leaving his job at Wausau Motorsports.

 

"He came running toward me with this sword asking for my keys," Coe told the

Daily Herald. "It was like one of them three-quarter length samurai swords,

and the odd thing was, the end was bent."

 

Again, it was a situation that called for quick thinking; again, the citizen

made a lightning mental calculation.

 

"I said to myself, 'It's insured,' " Coe said.

 

So he dropped his keys, ran inside and called 911. Within minutes, the

police apprehended the suspect, identified as Edward Pollard II, age 21.

According to the police report: "Pollard said he had watched several movies

where armed robberies were committed, looking for techniques on how to do

the robbery. Pollard decided to use the scary, threatening approach, but to

not use obscenities."

 

But even this masterful, obscenity-free criminal plan, based on actual

movies, was no match for the brave and quick-thinking citizens of the Rib

Mountain area. As Marathon County Sheriff Gary Marten told the Daily Herald:

"Without all those people helping us, it wouldn't have been so quickly

successful."

 

Speaking of movies: If Hollywood doesn't take this drama and turn it into a

major motion picture starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts, with Britney

Spears as the cashier, then Hollywood is even stupider than I thought.

Because this is a story to inspire all of us -- to make us realize that,

when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display

of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the

checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit

cocktail can of hope. At least that's how I see it. I have GOT to adjust

these dosages.

 

Hare Krishna --

 

ys, Balarama Dasa