A few jokes

[Guest guest]

1- Two friends are talking about their husbands

- Is your husband optimist or pessimist?

- I think I'll say both.

- How come?

- On one side he is pessimist because he already wrote his will, and on the

other side, he is optimist because his will starts with these words "If by

chance I die one day..."

 

2- -Ah, ah, ah! A new recruit in the army was just laughing, do not think

I'm a moron! I know there are machines to peel potatoes.

- Yes, answered the sargeant. And you are the last model!

(Could be the new bhakta talking about the pot-washing machine...)

 

3- A businessman was bragging to a group of people that when he left his

native village to go to the city, he had nothing else but his intelligence

-To sum it up, commented someone, we can really say that you started from

scratch.

 

4-One lady was complaining to a fortune teller:

-Each time I come to see you, your coffee grains only predict bad things

- Ok, next time just ask for a special filter.

 

5-My husband was putting order in his book shelves, said one lady. He wanted

to throw away some books. I told him not to do it, so I put them on a chair

in front of the door with a sign "Help yourself".

-So, what happened?

- Ten minutes late, the chair had disappeared!

 

6-An amateur pianist was happily banging on his instrument very late at

night when someone rang the bell. It was 2 policemen.

- Where are they? asked one policeman.

- Who are you taling about? answered the man, very astonished.

- Chopin and Debussy. Some neighbours just called us to inform us that you

were just killing them.

 

7-A lady takes her husband to see the psychiatrist.

- Doctor, my husband thinks he is a car!

Right then the husband goes to sit on the couch and goes Mrouv....Mrouv...

- Is not it a weird noise for a car, inquires the psychiatrist.

- Come on, doctor, don't you see he is in reverse!

 

8-A sick patient has to be hospitalized on the spot. The surgeon comes to

see him in his room.

-Don't worry, he said, I did the same operation on a dozen other patients.

Not a single one of them complained! May God bless their soul!

 

9-Did you hear about the terrible accident that Hayashi Ichikawa, the great

karate champion, had? asked a Japanese man to his friend.

- No, what happened?

- Well... he tried to chase a fly from his forehead, and he fractured his

skull!

 

10-A single lady confides in her girlfriend:

- I have the soul of a nurse, and I will only marry a man who has suffered a

lot.

- Very good! replied her friend, you just have to marry my husband after we

are divorced.

 

11-A man sees that the firemen are looking at a big fire without doing

anything about it.

-Why don't you try to put out the fire? inquires the man.

- The fire is too far, and the firehose is 20 meters short.

- So you cannot do anything to prevent that fire?

- Don't worry, sir, the fire will soon get closer!

(Could well take place in India...)

 

12-It's the month of January, the month of sales. One lady comes back

triumphantly from her shopping spree in town.

- Look, darling, she tells her husband, I managed to get one!

- One what? asks the husband.

- In fact I don't know, but I got it half price!

 

13- A man askes his girfriend if she went to see that marriage counselor who

is the talk of the town.

- Yes, and he entirely convinced me of the benefits of marriage. I'm

marrying him next saturday!

 

14-A patient goes to see his doctor:

- He-here-do-doc-doc-doctor, I stu-I-Istu-I stummer.

Then the doctor replies:

- No-no pro-pro-problem, we-we're go-going to-to fi-fi-fix it!