HMO

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Hare Krishna

 

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

By David Lubar

 

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"

Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe

Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to

forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard

enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical

finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and

referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

 

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to

choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.

Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the

doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the

information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into

two categories--those who are no longer accepting new

patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part

of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is

still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office

just a half day's drive away!

 

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged

when they want to talk about existing conditions.

Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

 

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of

medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need

the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave

me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000

yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-

patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I

do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the

reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to

invest the money for you in one of those great offers that

only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or

frog hatcheries.

 

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

 

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time

seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until

you return, and then get sick.

 

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists

he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really

perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is

the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

 

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care

costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

 

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an

appointment by then.

 

Hare Krishna

 

ys,Balarama Dasa