my reply to my wife's letter

[Guest guest]

Dear devotees,

Please accept my humble obeisances.

All Glories to Srila Prabhupada.

 

You must have read by now the painful accounts of our marriage written by

my wife Rambhoru Prabhu.

 

Her letter reveals the pains of a wife whose husband was preoccupied with

institutional concerns and services, traveling and preaching, while

neglecting the needs of his family.

 

Some of the factors marring our relationship have been compatibility

problems, the troubles of arranged marriages of the early days, lack of

understanding Vedic Culture in terms of marital relationships and family

life and the attitude of marginalizing the needs of women and children in

the past, which we as a society only gradually seem to come to terms with.

But the even greater factor is that I am emotionally quite disconnected

from myself and as such to others, as a husband, father or as a friend.

Gradually I’m starting to understand how inconsiderate I can be.

 

I asked Krishna Kumar Prabhu the following question after he was shocked by

reading my wife’s letter:

“Is there at all a middle ground possible for you to see that here are two

people who mutually hurt each other for 30 years, or do you really believe

it was myself alone as the only person who hurt and my wife was just

responding to the pain I caused her. Hard for me to believe.”

His answered:

“The thing is, I know "your side" of the story. I've heard it many times.

That's not really the point here. Also who's right or wrong is also not so

much relevant. What I am trying to express to you is not dependent on that

or any other "evidence".

 

Ever since I know you, you have been quite insensitive in how you deal with

people. Not in an evil or deliberate way. Just you have been emotionally

oblivious to the people around you. Like a man wearing a large backpack who

knocks someone over every time he turns around without realizing it. And

this is still going on.

 

Only now is it dawning on me the terrible implications that that would

inevitably have in relationship to women and children.

 

So, based on my personal experience of you and how you deal with people, I

have no doubt at all that you have much more responsibility in this matter

than you are willing to admit.

 

If I would act in such a callous way toward my wife, she would also be

extremely unruly. That I know. I am also just starting to understand what

are the natural and unavoidable duties a man has toward his wife and

children. It seems to me that you don't really understand to what extreme a

woman's good attitude and surrender is dependent on the empathy and

affection of her husband, as well as his providing her some elementary

facilities for raising a family.

 

As I said, I understand that a lot of your attitude toward wife and family

has been influenced by "upbringing" in the movement. When I sit down and

imagine your situation, I can really understand the difficulty you were in.

But that doesn't lessen your responsibility in any way,

and it doesn't do anything at all to remove the pain of Mother Ramboru's

experience.

 

So here's the point:

 

Mother Ramboru's experience can not be changed. But I'm suggesting that you

really need to connect with the emotions there, that you need to feel her

pain and allow yourself to acknowledge your essential role in creating

that.

 

And she needs to experience that deep understanding from you.

 

I really feel that you haven't gone there yet. Your whole response to this

issue is quite cold and disconnected, and that is what is so frustrating to

me.”

 

-------End of his letter------

 

This letter could have been written to my father who was a concentration

camp survivor. He was so emotionally shut down that it affected everyone in

our family. Naturally I can’t blame him for my predicaments. But his

emotional disconnectedness certainly had an influence on my present life.

 

Years passed by as such, my wife and myself remaining strangers to each

others, myself being absorbed in institutional works in other parts of the

world while paying towards the basic needs of the family such as rent (my

financial means being slim), she taking care of the children and working to

finance the rest.

 

Only gradually it sinks in how it must feel to be at the receiving end of

my institutional preoccupation and emotional remoteness. It is this area

where I am facing the painful realization of human failure, for which I

feel very sorry for and for which I realize to have to take

responsibility for.

 

That I recently resigned from various responsibilities in the Society

allows me to re-think and shift from immediate societal works towards their

needs with the idea to get to a better place.

Where I go from here in terms of direct services to our Society will take

some time to work out.

 

Your servant

 

Prithu das Adhikary

 

PS

Being insensitive it is not surprising that I have offended devotees at

times. If you were one of them, please communicate with me so I can rectify

the situation. Also, if you wish to give me any feedback, please do so. My

e-mail address is prithu.acbsp (AT) pamho (DOT) net