The qualities of a father

[Guest guest]

sal wrote:

 

Can the ideal father teach joy, if he himself knows not beauty, peace

and happiness? Can the ideal father teach justice, if he himself has

not been fair? Can the ideal father teach truth is he himself has not

been honest? Can the ideal father teach empathy if he himself has not

shown compassion? Can the ideal father teach patience if he himself

has been impatient? Can the ideal father teach forgiveness if he

himself has not shown mercy? Can the ideal father teach unconditional

love if he himself has a greater attachment to his ego?...

Dear Sal and all ~ originally I was going to stay away from this question of

what qualities make the ideal father. Sal's words above describe my father

.... and he, unfortunately, was unable to break the cycle.

 

And thus far in my life I've not had many role models that would give me any

clue about how to respond to this question. That is, until I met Swamiji.

Now I have some inklings. I can also add to that, what, from an adult

perspective looking backwards, might have been more helpful to me than what I was

given.

 

A father should be openly loving, not afraid to show his "feminine side" in

scooping his child or children into his arms when he comes home from work,

and in being interested in their experiences of the day. Fathers come home

tired. Often it is easier to turn on the tv or the computer and lose the cares of

the day. But to a child, this few moments of expressing love and interest

can mean the world.

 

Father's also help create structure. They create structure in which they,

themselves, their family, and their children can not only grow, but thrive and

evolve, and for children, this evolving would be to fully independent

individuals who understand how to get along in the world. So in addition to creating

structure, a father teaches by example, and as the child grows, teaches

directly (by reading stories, helping a child build a science fair project,

helping a teen learn to drive, teaching a teen how to handle money, etc.)

 

What do I mean by structure, since this is an external creation, rather than

a feeling quality? In this the mother and the father must be in synch. In a

garden, the structure is the bed for the flowers or for the vegetables. It is

often marked off by small fencing, to keep pets out, and, as the plants grow,

the structure is maintained through weeding, pruning, mulching, etc. The

structure creates the context in which the growth can occur. Similarly, we do

this when we create an altar or a space to conduct our worship.

 

So, in a family, the structure is, in a sense the house and yard and the

rooms in the house, but it is also how these are organized for different

purposes. If a child has a designated play area, it is less likely that there will

be toys all over the house. Perhaps there is a structure for meals ... how

they are prepared (do the children help; if the father is home, does he help),

whether there are prayers before meals, whether meals are eaten with the family

sitting together at the table, giving some time and attention to one

another, or whether they are eaten off of tv trays, watching television. Just the

attention to these kinds of small details of structure can have a huge affect

in a child's development and life.

 

Does the father punish? That word has many negative connotations to me. I

would prefer to say the father provides guidance and, when there is an

infraction, consequences. But the consequences ought to be known to the child (once

the child is old enough to understand); they should always be consistent; and

they should be equally applicable to all the children in a household.

Sometimes a child may falter, make a mistake, forget a chore, and perhaps, in this

case, the father sits down with the child and talks it over. Even with

consequences, there should be flexibility, otherwise the child(ren) will not learn

this quality, and it is so important in getting along in the world. And to a

child who feels the unconditional love of the father, even a glance would let

the child know something is amiss. Yelling, screaming, using foul language,

beating ... fathers, nor mothers should ever use these for any reason, for they

only scar the child and teach the child bad habits.

 

So the father provides love that is nourishment to the soul; the father

models good behavior; the father provides structure for growth; the father guides

and helps his children learn about consequences, and the father, along with

the mother, in my very humble opinion, should provide a spiritual foundation.

Regardless of what the specifics are, so long as the path is a loving one,

this is one more piece in the puzzle of providing a child a picture of how the

world works best, if we do our best. The child may choose another path at

some time, and if flexibility has been demonstrated along side of structure,

then it will be one that benefits the youth or the man or the woman ... people

explore their path, and push against their boundaries at all ages. If they

have been well fathered and well mothered, they will fly.

 

Jai Swamiji , Jai Maa ~ Linda