ISKCON’s Institution of Marriage in Crisis

[Guest guest]

ISKCON’s Institution of Marriage in Crisis

 

Recently, in our ISKCON Alachua community, another nefarious, nasty and sad

episode of marriage break-up occurred. Everyone is talking about it,

pouring their opinions, racking their brains, rationalizing or trying to

explain the causes that led the man to break up his own marriage, and the

marriage of the woman, he went to bed with. Prior to this debacle, another

one occurred: a man hung himself from a tree, located in front of the

residence wherein lived the woman he couldn’t have. Needless to say, she

was married to another man, who in turn, had managed to convince someone

else’s wife to go bed with him.

 

Some opined that marriage is a private affair between husband and wife, and

no one should interfere with their business. However, due to the nature,

structure, and sociological cohesive and development of ISKCON, marriage in

our Society can no longer be viewed as a strictly private affair, at least,

not from the ethical, moral, and sociological standpoints. The dangers that

accrue to marriage break-ups are far too damaging to our ISKCON Society,

both to the current members and future generations of individuals that will

seek shelter in it (which is Srila Prabhupada’s intensions in establishing

the Society).

 

The moral outrage (for what these two individuals have done is an act

grossly offensive to human decency) has affected the man’s soon-to-be- ex

wife and his children, as well as, the woman’s soon-to-be ex husband and

son. The community is, to some extent less emotionally affected, but

affected nonetheless.

 

Marriage life has its ups and downs; any mature man and woman understands

that. However, it seems that in our ISKCON Society – judging by the number

and frequency of marriage break-ups – we have quite a significant number of

individuals who lack this basic understanding about of human life, let

alone Vaishnava life.

 

In my 30 years in ISKCON, I have witnessed the demise of many marriages.

The misery it created? Untold. Men, women, and children who were supposed

to be blissful in Krishna Consciousness, ended up in precarious, ruinous,

highly stressful situations. Some of them ended up completely cut off from

devotional service, engaging in sinful activities, precisely in violating

the four regulative principles of freedom that Srila Prabhupada stressed so

much in his lectures and writings. Some are taking their own lives,

preferring to remain like ghosts, rather than leaving this world like a

decent devotee.

 

 

DETRIMENTS TO ISKCON SOCIETY

 

Marriage break-ups are bad for ISKCON, as a Society. They create social

instability, psychological instability, economic hardships, and dilute the

preaching efforts of the Society.

 

The social instability is felt in the Society at large. The family

institution is the foundation of all societies, social groups, religious

groups, and pretty much any kind of social grouping we see in life. This

family institution is based, foundationally, upon another social

institution, the marriage institution. One of the detriments plaguing

modern society is precisely the disintegration of the marriage institution,

which has led to the meltdown of the family institution. That plague has

entered our ISKCON Society. As a preaching force, ISKCON depends to a great

extent on its members. But when the a sizeable chunk of its members are so

unstable due to marriage break-ups, the Society itself suffers.

 

The psychological instability that divorce creates, in the ISKCON members

involved, is conspicuously obvious. And it is not a matter of just “falling

down.” The problem is not just that a psychologically perturbed man,

lacking self-controlled and unable to control his genitals, decides to ruin

another man’s wife. It is also the psychological damage that he creates in

his own wife, in his children, in the other woman’s husband, and in her

children. The subsequent traumas keep popping up in either periodic or

prolonged mental illness in everyone. All as a result of the sinful desire

to get to bed with another man’s wife.

 

Divorce or marriage break-ups also has a major repercussion in the economic

stability of the individuals and the Society. One of the functions of the

family institution – from the sociological standpoint – is that it is the

basis from which economic development arises. Without economic development,

no society can prosper, including our ISKCON Society. If the readers can’t

see it, just ask this question: What is the use of being part of a social

group, in which the majority of its members is poor, living from day to

day, cheating the government for welfare and food-stamps hang outs? ISKCON

needs productive members; people who can be experts at lawfully making

money, because with the prosperity of the family comes prosperity for the

Society. Poor people only drain the Society of its resources that otherwise

can be utilized for preaching Krishna Consciousness.

 

Another issue that carries a lot of weight is the bad example we give to

our children and ISKCON youth. Those of us who tolerate, directly or

indirectly, the ethical crime of marriage break-up or family breakdown are

hypocritically setting a real bad example to our ISKCON children, who one

day will be married too. The hypocrisy may drive them away from ISKCON, as

it is happening now in an increasing number of cases.

 

Actually, it is interesting to point out that sociologist have documented

that divorce – at least in the developed countries – is a “pastime of poor

people.” Affluent people have the tendency to be way more conservatives in

their approach to family and marriage. Of course, not all poor people are

in favor of divorce, just as not all affluent people are conservative. Are

ISKCON members – being largely indigent – mirroring this sociological

phenomenon?

 

 

THE NEED FOR A REVAMPMENT IN MORAL VALUES

 

Given the reasons above, we need to revamp our understanding of moral

values, specifically those related to the family and marriage institutions.

We need to take a closer look at our “practices,” and policies (or lack

thereof) regarding these two important social institutions. ISKCON – the

way we have it now – depends on it.

 

Is legality of an action (e.g., divorce) a foundation for saintly behavior?

Many ISKCON members think that because a given action is lawful in a

particular situation, it must be morally or ethically binding to ISKCON

theological tenets. Take divorce, for example. In the recent case we

discussing, the parties think that because they are legally divorcing their

respective spouses, the Alachua community (or any ISKCON community) is

morally bound to take them back into its ranks. This mode of thinking

completely disregards the marriage and family institutions as understood in

our Vaishnava literature (Manu samhita, Gita, Bhagavatam, Caitanya-

caritamrita, Prabhupada’s own letter on the matter).

 

We need to realize that the vows we make at the time of marriage, i.e.

Vedic, are not broken as easily as we break them in the West, or in other

mleccha cultures. No where in the Shastra, we encounter any indication that

marriage vows, once taken and witnessed by the presiding Deity and other

devotees, can be broken. And, what it is even more pellucid, is that no

where in the Shastra, we encounter directives that sanction the nefarious

habit of taking another man’s wife, let alone a brahmana’s wife.

 

It seems to many of us that our Shastras are replete of morally edifying

historical accounts, in which the immorality of disturbing marriages and

families, is severely punished. Two come to my mind. Take the story of Sri

Sri Sita-Rama. Ravana,, who also had the nefarious idea of taking Lord

Rama’s wife, was eventually executed by Lord Ramacandra. Take the example

of Mother Draupadi. The whole ksatriya race was wiped out by Partha-sarathi

and Arjuna, mounted on their splendorous chariot, due to the Kurus’ sinful

thought of seeing her naked. The whole theme, in the Mahabharata, is the

protection of womanhood. How does this tenet measure with our shameful

disregard for family and marriage values that we practice nowadays in

ISKCON? It seems, based on Shastra, that the bad habit of polluting other

men’s wives is a practice of rakshasas; not of Vaishnavas.

 

We need to revamp our understanding and commitment to marriage institution.

We need to get closer to our venerable, Vaishnava heritage.

 

 

WHERE ARE THE LEADERS?

 

Again, the leaders play a major role in finding solutions to his moral

crisis. Perhaps, we need to get our leaders to institutionalize a “code of

ethical conduct” for marriage. Some ideas for them to consider are:

 

1. Add the vow of “there will be no divorce in between us” at the time

of marrying people.

2. Make the couple pronounce this vow facing the Deities, Who are

witnessing their marriage.

3. Make marriage a holy institution, which in fact it is. Marriage is

for the protection of women and for the production of Krishna conscious

children.

4. Get rid of the label that bona fide marriage is a fall down.

5. Make it an “ethical crime” to marry wives or husbands of ISKCON

members in good standing.

6. Make it an “ethical crime” to marry wives or husbands of other

people, in which the Deities and devotees have been witnesses, regardless

of the status of ISKCON members involved (divorced spouses).

7. Do not sanction and do not conduct ceremonies for unethical or

immoral marriages (that otherwise are legal) in the temples.

8. Add the vow that “marriage is for the procreating Krishna conscious

children.”

9. Create a database of people who are vow-breakers, so that wherever

they may go, devotees in those communities will know about it and take

appropriate action.

10. If the man or woman, who commits the ethical crime of breaking

their marriage vows, are initiated brahmanas, then suspend their

brahminical status for a certain period of time or even indefinitely.

11. If they are ever taken back, no leadership post, managerial

service, nor pujari service be granted to people who have committed ethical

crimes.

 

 

CONCLUSION

 

It is very sad to see our ISKCON Society being forayed or beleaguered by

this social evil of the family breakdown and marriage break-up. It is about

time that we do something about it, for our own benefit, for the benefit of

the Society, for the benefit of the young, and for the benefit of ISKCON’s

future preaching efforts.

 

For future generations of ISKCON members, let us leave them a legacy of

purity in all fronts, in our personal lives, in our marriages and families,

in our institutions, in our preaching efforts. As the old motto

goes “purity is the force.” Both rank-and-file and leaders alike, let’s get

together and figure it out how are going to take action against this evil.

Let’s stop this moral degeneration.

 

Let us understand the abominable nature of the family breakdown. Let us

send a message to everyone that this bad habit will no longer be tolerated,

accommodated, and thus indirectly glorified. Let us bring purity back into

our lives, into our institutions, into our families.

 

Yours in the service of Srila Prabhupada’s mission,

 

Yugala Kishor dasa (Gainesville, FL)

[Rasaraj Das]

Dear Prabhu. All Glories to Srila Prabhupada. I am currently under going a divorce by my wife of 13 years and a devotee for 20 years. We ahve two children. No help no advice....every body just looks on. My wife could follow the example of her sister by divorce and then marry another devotee. Surely breaking the principles must apply. Rasaraj das...what to do.

[inspirational1]

I have been a practicing devotee for almost 20years. I have seen the disrespect for the principles of the varnashram system abused for years.

 

I have been married for 9 years, I knew my husband for 2 months before we chose to get married. Me 31 him 37 we had our terrible times...abuse fights stemming from his side and his terrible upbringing..poverty low self esteem...

 

Its seem that all to often the principle of marriage is forgotten and we sometimes tend to get selfish about what the other person should be doing for us or what we want from them.

 

I have found that marriage if offered up to Krishna is the most sacred and devotional calling in life. I see it as my duty to help my soulmate become a whole person emotionally. I nourish his mind so he feels good about himself. Feed him, make him laugh. It all comes around back to me with out my asking. His love, support belief that Krishna is the center of our relationship. He has went from a selfish abusive husband to a loving and supportive husband. We both feel the need to help eachother in life, sometimes one sacrificing more than the other to help. We do everything together we are best friends. Our children are healthy and happy.

 

Honestly..If more devotee families would see family life as a blessing from Krishna than a fall down or weakness in the devotional path we would have more healthy families.

 

Marriage isn't always easy..but almost 6 years without a fight...Krishna is great.

 

I humbly bow before My Lord Jagannath who brought me this gift from Jagannaths home in Orissa. May my devotion and the strong family and healthy children be my offering up to your Lotus feet. This is my success nothing less...

[ganesh1111]

Hare Krishna!. Prabhu, Get her to some Guru and make her understand about the sanathana dharma. She will not do that if she truely understands the sanathana dharma. Whatever the case may be,please do not get depressed under any circumstances,be happy all the time. I don't see any reason to get disappointed since these relationships are temporary. We should always follow the path of dharma,feel whatever is happening is good for us only and at the same be surrender to god(krishna). Do what all you can do to make her realize,rest leave it to god. Upbring your children as responsible persons and make them follow the dharma and great persons in this world. Also do some 20 mins meditation in a day, read and understand bhagavad gita,bhagawatam. All the best.